The Official Joke Thread

[fey-metallica]

Do not cheat on your partner:

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween
party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to
the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she
argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and
there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping
soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still
early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her
costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband
to see how he
acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon
spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance
floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little
feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let
him
go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After
more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and
she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate
love in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and
put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour. She was
sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he
had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when
you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I
never even
danced one dance.

When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we
went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have
looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she
said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually,

I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life!!

[Greystoke]

the best actor EVER:

[Bob Garage]

This is a real News Item from Yorskhire. But its so funny it had to be posted in here

Extract from the Yorkshire Evening Post:

"A drunk who claimed he had been raped by a dog was yesterday jailed for 12 months by a judge. Martin Hoyle, 45, was arrested by police after a passing motorist and his girlfriend found a Staffordshire bull terrier, called Badger, having sex with him at the side of a road in Huddersfield, West Yorkshire.

Prosecutor Ben Crosland said the couple had stopped to help because they thought Hoyle was being attacked by the animal. But when they got closer they saw that he had his trousers round his ankles, was down on all fours and the dog was straddling him from behind.

"The defendant mumbled something about the dog having taken a liking to him," said Mr Crosland. "The couple were extremely offended and sickened by what they saw." Another passing motorist contacted the police and Hoyle was arrested as he walked with the dog down the road.

Hoyle, of East view, Marsh, Huddersfield, told police "I can't help it if the dog took a liking to me. He tried to rape me."

He repeated the ra pe allegation at the police station and added "The dog pulled my trousers down." Hoyle, who has had a long-standing alcohol problem, was jailed for 12 months after he admitted committing an act which outraged public decency.

His barrister said Hoyle had no memory of the incident because of his drunken state, but was now very remorseful and incredibly embarrassed.

Jailing him, Judge Alistair McCallum told Hoyle "Never before in my time at the bar or on the bench have I ever had to deal with somebody who voluntarily allowed himself to be buggered by a dog on the public highway. Frankly it is beyond most of our comprehension. It is an absolutely disgusting thing for members of the public to have to witness.

[Bob Garage]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies:

"I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that .....Number 1 - you have to be single and Number 2 - you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfils his fantasy with a passionate kiss. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[Bob Garage]

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a f***ing big red mark on his forehead.

[Bob Garage]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic
it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in
the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

[Bob Garage]

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, Captain Bravado's lookout spots a pirate ship approaching, and the crew become frantic. Captain Bravado bellows: "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieves the captain's red shirt and while wearing the brightly coloured gamrent, the captain leads his crew into battle and defeats the mighty pirates.

That evening, all the men are sitting around on deck recounting the earlier triumph. Eventually one of them asks the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

"If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood," replies the captain. "Thus you men would continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sit and marvel at the courage of such a manly man's man.

The next morning, the lookout spots not one, not two, but 10 pirate ships approaching, and the crew stare in worshipful silence at the captain awaiting his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazes with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship and, without fear, turns and calmly commands: "Get me my brown pants."

[Bob Garage]

The teacher asked little Susie: "Susie, what does a cow sound like?"

Susie replied: "Moooooo!".

Teacher says: "That’s great Susie!

Teacher asked Jimmy "What does a rooster sound like?".

Jimmy says: "Cocka-Doodle-Doo!".

That’s great Jimmy.

Teacher then asks Jerome: "What does a pig sound like?"

Jerome says: "FREZZE! Up Against The Wall!"

[Bob Garage]

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy S**t! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[Bob Garage]

A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12 year old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other.

Naked women are running around inside and it looks like hes just had the mother of all party's.

The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?"

To which the boy replies, "Does it f#####g look like it?"