The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."


The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"


The lady replied,


"I need it to poison my husband."


The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"


The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.


The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Bob Garage]

Mr Gorsky and Neil Armstrong


Supposedly a true story, On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil

Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the Moon. His first words after stepping on the Moon, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to Earth and heard by millions. But just before he re-entered the module, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."


Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut.


However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.


Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.


On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded, Mr.Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. In 1938 when he was a kid in a small midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the garden. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbour's garden by the bedroom window. His neighbours were Mr. and Mrs.Gorsky.


As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr.Gorsky:


"Sex! you want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

[Bob Garage]

I was having trouble with my computer, so I called the computer guy over to my desk.


He clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.


As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"


He replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."


A puzzled _expression ran over my face.


"An ID Ten T Error, what's that, in case I need to fix it again?"


He gave me a grin.


"Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?"


"No", I replied.


"Write it down", he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."


ID10T


Have A Fun Day


PS Don't Hesitate To Call Your Computer Guy Over

[Bob Garage]

Naked prowler shot in genitals with Taser by deputies near Fort Myers Beach

Associated Press
Posted November 22, 2005, 7:13 AM EST

FORT MYERS BEACH -- A naked man was accidentally shocked in the genitals by a Taser after he was found breaking windows and asking women to touch him inappropriately, police said.

Jeremy J. Miljour, 26, of Bonita Springs, attempted to run when approached by Lee County sheriff's deputies Saturday. When he ignored requested to stop, Deputy Daniel Hollywood shot Miljour with a Taser.

One of the Taser prongs accidentally hit Miljour's genitals and got stuck, said Cpl. Matt Chitwood.

Officers are taught to aim for the torso, but it was difficult for officers to aim because Miljour was moving, Chitwood said.

"The Taser is relatively accurate, but when someone is moving like that, it doesn't matter if you have a Taser, or a pistol. (Officers) can't aim," Chitwood said.

Miljour was taken to Lee Memorial HealthPark Medical Center, where he was treated before being taken to the Lee County jail. He is charged with indecent exposure, resisting an officer and criminal damage.

[Fadingtoblack]

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar ...

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder ......

Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .. built it myself!


Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!


Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Dave: - Do what? Not me mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.

[Metallifold]

Good one Fade

[Bob Garage]

Letters to VIZ

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on
iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on Muslim cleric
Abu Hamsa?

Les, Barnsley

2. "One pound a week will supply water for an entire village in
Tanzania" says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty
pounds a month for my three bedroom semi?

Tracey Cusick, Cumbria


3. How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his
multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my
son's football match I was asked to leave the park?

Reg Ashcroft, Bradford


4. So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy
listening" do they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20
years.

Tim


5. They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense.
The last edition of High School An@l that I bought featured a young lady
stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned
out to be an excellent indication of the contents.

Mark Roberts

6. According to Nietzsche, "That which does not kill me makes me
stronger". I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of
massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent
vegetable for the past 12 years.

A Thorne, Sandbach


7. It's uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. "Absence
makes the heart grow fonder", said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on
the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room
carpet this morning.

Christopher Hampshire, Bristol


8. The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some
interesting questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official
tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final
score place our national champ in the world league table

Magnus, Sheffield


9. The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV
in Britain, a third of who do not even know that they have it. Is it just
me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the
poor s*ds?

John Campbell, e-mail


10. Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey.
What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on
about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

Mike Woods, e-mail

11. With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces
soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a
couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw@t quickly enough
the last time he played hide and seek with them.

Shuggie, Email


12. It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new
film, but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit
the pan?

Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast


13. I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to
Australia with Jenny. She is a great sh@g. Thanks again.

Baz, Bondi


14. Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection
with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo
Fighters. hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their
Splendid sense of humour.

Chris Scaife, Jesmond


15. Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael
Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits
climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.

T Barnham, London

[Bob Garage]

Man goes to the zoo
But when he arrives there's only a dog
It was a Shitzu

[flickn]

[flickn]

TRANSCRIPT OF PRESIDENT'S PRIVATE MEETING WITH BRIEFLY ESTRANGED PATHOLOGICAL LIAR CHICKENHAWK SOULMATE AHMAD CHALABI
Officious Transcript

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

AHMAD CHALABI: Mr. President.

THE PRESIDENT: Ayep.

AHMAD CHALABI: Thank you for taking the time to see me.

THE PRESIDENT: Well, I have a couple spare minutes...

AHMAD CHALABI: Again, thank you.

THE PRESIDENT: ...and Condi and Dick and everybody is all "Why won't you see him?" "He misses you." And "It's been a long time – maybe he's changed."

AHMAD CHALABI: I have. I do miss you, Mr. President.

THE PRESIDENT: Oh, no! Don't you try and sweet talk me. This Iraqgate stuff is all YOUR fault. You lied to me.

AHMAD CHALABI: Sir? I'm afraid I don't know what you mean.

THE PRESIDENT: Talk to the hand, camel breath. I totally remember that meeting where you made up all that stuff about nukular-anthrax-tipped intercontinental ballistic missiles pointed at Houston and Dollywood. And how American troops would be welcomed with open legs by throngs of super-hot Iraqazoid sluts throwing flowers and panties like they were front row at a Tom Jones gig. That stuff. Ring a bell?


AHMAD CHALABI: I remember the meeting you speak of, sir, but if you'll recall, these things were spoken not by myself, but by Mr. Wolfowitz and Mr. Cheney. I was merely the obsequious cockroach who nodded and said, "Whatever words you speak, my Neocon Puppermasters, I shall happily regurgitate publicly, just so long as you spell my name correctly on the seven-figure treasury checks."

THE PRESIDENT: Are you sure about that? I coulda sworn it was you...

AHMAD CHALABI: Yes sir, I am. And then if you'll recall, you then immediately said something to the effect of, "Good, now that we've got this greasy sand nigger on payroll, I can finally kick off my plot to take my revenge on—"

THE PRESIDENT: "Take my revenge on SADDAM HUSSEIN!!" Oh yeah, now it's all coming back to me. And then I finally got to launch my daddy's boy war. Right?

AHMAD CHALABI: Yes, sir. So you see, Mr. President, anything I did, I did for us. For you. If I had not tweaked a fact here, fluffed a lie there, I would have technically been in breach of contract.

THE PRESIDENT: Well... damn. If that's the case, then I guess I owe you an apology for setting you up as an Iranian spy in retaliation for making me look like a total retard. I guess I really did that to myself, huh?

AHMAD CHALABI: I'm afraid so, Mr. President, sir.

THE PRESIDENT: Well then please believe me when I say I'm real sorry about that. I mean really – speaking straight from the heart as one pathological liar slimeball to another.

AHMAD CHALABI: Thank you, sir. That means a great deal to me. So may I ask of you a favor that will further my monomaniacal quest for power?

THE PRESIDENT: Hell, no! You see, officially, you're still dead to me. Until I need you again, that is.

AHMAD CHALABI: I see. So...

THE PRESIDENT: Uh-huh.

AHMAD CHALABI: Awkward...this is awkward...

THE PRESIDENT: Maybe for you. Not for me. I got my groove back a while ago. Had a make-over and everything – new cowboy boots, little hair frosting, a Brazilian banana wax that the missus L-O-V-E-S. I'm only meeting you right now because I need closure.

AHMAD CHALABI: We can start over, you know?

THE PRESIDENT: I'd rather slather myself with shoe polish and book a long weekend at one of our secret torture chambers, ironically located throughout the old Soviet Union.

AHMAD CHALABI: Very well, sir, though I confess to being saddened, inasmuch as we still have much work to accomplish in Iraq. We are at the start of a new era of FREEDOM® there, and—

THE PRESIDENT: Ah Christ, Ahmad. Don't lay that FREEDOM® bullshit on me. I invented it, after all.

You know plenty well that I don't give a damn about any "new era" in Iraq. And neither do you. How long until you siphon enough cash out of that desert cesspool to move your lardass to Miami, anyways? Just never forget that you and me are exactly the same: we want all that filthy, mustachioed A-rab trash perpetually teetering on the verge of anarchy, cuz that's when guys like us start singing "Ka-Ching!

AHMAD CHALABI: You weren't always this... frank.

THE PRESIDENT: Newsflash: election's over, fatboy! I've spent the last five years trying real hard to almost-barely hide my contempt for foreigners. No more.

AHMAD CHALABI: Sigh.

THE PRESIDENT: I have to go, Ahmad.

AHMAD CHALABI: I look forward to having your Administration foot the bill for rebuilding my country.

THE PRESIDENT: Well you're in luck, because that's what Halliburton wants, too.

AHMAD CHALABI: Very well, but know that as my power grows in Iraq, you will one day soon be compelled to once again show me the respect I so pathologically crave.

THE PRESIDENT: Hey Ahmad – do you know how to tell apart a regular ol' car and a car packed with explosives?

AHMAD CHALABI: No. I do not.

THE PRESIDENT: Neither do I. Maybe that could a new hobby for you.

Security! Show my good ex-pal-and-co-conspirator the door