The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

QUIZ

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Thoughtfulness is important for this evaluation to be meaningful!

Ready?


Begin!

You're in Florida. In Miami, to be exact. There is chaos around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. This is a flood of major proportions.

You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper caught in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is showing all its destructive fury. You see a man in the water! He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away with the water and debris.

You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. Suddenly, you know who it is ... it's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under, forever.

You have two options. You can save him or you can take the most dramatic photos of your life.

You can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
Now, here's the question (please give an honest answer).

Would you select colour film, or rather go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

[Bert Jan]

OMG!!! Thats soooooooooo funny

Colour film for me!

[MetDream]

Ha ha.

Here's one for you all....

A man went to a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.


The girl responds: "Which one? We have:


Gymnasium Barbie: $19.95

Volleyball Barbie: $19.95

Shopping Barbie: $19.95

Surfer Barbie: $19.95

Disco Barbie: $19.95

and

Divorced Barbie: $299.95


Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $299.95 when all the other Barbies are $19.95?" Exasperated, the girl responds: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:


Ken's Car

Ken's House

Ken's Boat

Ken's furniture

Ken's jewelry

Ken's money

Ken's computer,

and

Ken's best friend

[Bob Garage]

A fiftyish woman was at home, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watched her for a
while and then asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?
What's the matter with you?"

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor
says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

[Bob Garage]

British Newspaper Quotes

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily
Telegraph)


Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description.
It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)


A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable
lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This
sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)


At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)


Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler."
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

[Bob Garage]

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound track and go in the opposite direction".


"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."


During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman...
unfortunately towels are not provided".


"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."


"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."


"We can't move off because some idiot has got their f***ing hand stuck in the door"


"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors
(Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways "


"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground.
However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

[Bob Garage]

Police have today admitted that George Best was not in fact buried in Belfast last week and that in retrospect the decision to cremate him in Hemel Hempstead on Sunday morning might have been a mistake.

[Bob Garage]

A Christmas Tale

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses.


One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply
addressed in shaky handwriting to "God".


With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read,
"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the State pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all
the money I had in the world and no pension due until after
Christmas.


Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for
Xmas dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.
I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. God; can you
please help me?"


The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter
up on the Staff Notice board, at the main sorting office where he
worked.

The letter touched the other postmen and they all dug into their
pockets and had a whip round. Between them they raised £96.


Using an official franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash
on to the old lady, and for the rest of the day, all the workers
felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.


Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply
addressed to "God" landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the
postmen gathered around while the letter was opened.


It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did
for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely
dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my
friends of your wonderful gift - in fact we haven't gotten over it
and our Vicar is beside himself with joy.


By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those
thieving ba*tards at the Post Office."

[Bob Garage]

What It Means To Be British

One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "what it

means to be British?". Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one

from a chap in Switzerland...

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for A

Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a

Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American

shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of

anything foreign.

[Bob Garage]

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules - each poem has only 17 syllables: 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second line, and 5 in the third. They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning, and powerful insight through extreme brevity.


The Website you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist
*****
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
*****
Program aborting.
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
*****
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
*****
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
*****
Your file was too big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
*****
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
*****
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
*****
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
*****
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
*****
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
*****
Having been erased,
The document you are seeking
Must now be retyped.
*****
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.