The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off.

His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and He owes thousands of pounds to the bank.

Just as he finishes his prayers and loses his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder "Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas.

The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.

"Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return!"

"Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!...Thank you,

Father Christmas promises him that:
1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.

2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.

3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds in credit, you will have no outstanding bills.

"Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?"

Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over.

After a quite brutal rogering, which made his eyes water a little, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is. "36" replies the man.

"Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!?" chuckled the fat gay b*stard in fancy dress.

[Bob Garage]

Three people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room. The first man's dog asked the second man's dog what he's there for. They are putting me down. Oh no, says the first dog, why? The second dog says, "Well, you see... I've been chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put to sleep. The second dog says, "Well, my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn't like it because my scent wasn't anywhere, anymore. So, when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also.

The third dog said, "This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time without her clothes. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good!" The other dogs say, " so' that's why they are putting you to sleep?" No says the dog, "She is bringing me here to get my toenails clipped!"

[Bob Garage]

The Sons

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking
about their sons.
"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman.
"So we obviously decided to call him George."
"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born
on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."
"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman.
"Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake."

[Doin]

Not really a joke but I heard 'My Favourite Things' in a supermarket today and for some reason I thought about writing a parody relating to bootleg trading.
If you want to add any verses please do so.
After the parody I have begun a new one called 'These are some things that just really suck!' about taping. Again please add your own verses if you can be bothered....


My Favourite ‘Bootleg’ Things (Sung to the tune of 'My Favourite Things')

Getting a trade offer via the net,
Telling me all the things they’d like to get,
Searching their list and then finding something,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Checking the mailbox to find a nice parcel,
Chilli’s and U2 both live at Slane Castle,
Kirk Hammett soloing to Little Wing,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Getting my gear in and not getting flustered,
Taping the concert and not getting busted,
Capturing every word Hetfield does sing,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the mail’s late,
When discs won’t play,
Or the quality’s bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't get, so mad.


A second version called "These are some taping thing that just really suck!"
Verse one is from personal experience....
Again please feel free to write your own verse and add it...

Anthrax and Soilwork, Killswitch Engage,
Taped at the Palace while they played on stage,
Was on High Mic Sens, just wasn’t my luck,
These are some things that just really suck!

Trying to tape shows in all situations,
Nearby people in loud conversations,
Trying to press a rec button that’s stuck,
These are some things that just really suck!

Wanting to get home and see how it sounded,
But then security has you surrounded,
They’re throwing punches as you try to duck,
These are some things that just really suck!

[Fadingtoblack]

Merry Christmas!

[Churchchair]

Hu is the president...

Enjoy

[Doin]

Hu is the president...

Enjoy

Very good!

[slayerdiabolus]

The Sons

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking
about their sons.
"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman.
"So we obviously decided to call him George."
"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born
on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."
"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman.
"Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake."

Ha Ha, we have those kinda jokes jokes except its Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman & Paddy Scotsman. And Paddy Englishman always ends up badly!! Eg.


Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman & Paddy Scotsman are on a plane to America. However the Plane runs into difficulties and in the end the Plane will only be able to carry 2 people saftely. So The Pilot decides he has to live (obviously). So Paddy Scotsman decides to do the noble thing and decides to jump. Before jumping out he Shouts "This is for St. George" and away he goes. So Paddy Irishman goes up to the Chute in the Plane and shouts out "This is for Gerry Adams and all the Boys in Sinn Fein" and he pushes Paddy Englishman out.

[Fadingtoblack]

Hu is the president...

Enjoy

Now I know where Abbott and Costello got the idea for their "Who's on First" Sketch


The funny thing is, I don't even think they came up with it first, I wish I could remember who it was, but Abbott and Costello then went on to make it their trademark.

[EDIT]

Figured people might like to see the sketch, enjoy, it's bloody funny:

Who's On First

[Pete-Rock]

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to
find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I
set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a
download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we
discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since
it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a
blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!"