An Englishman is travelling around Ireland on his holidays and gets a bit lost trying to find his way to Belfast. He spots a local and decides to ask for directions:-
Englishman: "Hi there, could you tell me the quickest way to Belfast please?"
Irishman: "Hello, yes of course. Will you be walking or going by car?"
Englishman: "By car."
Irishman: "Yes, that'll certainly be the quickest."
The Official Joke Thread
Forum rules
Forum Specific Rules
Forum Specific Rules
General Chat. Thats the theme here. Where it wont go anywhere else, it should go here. Everything goes as long as its allowed.
-
Bob Garage
- Stone Cold Poster
- Posts: 4044
- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
-
Bob Garage
- Stone Cold Poster
- Posts: 4044
- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
-
Doin
- Broken, Beat, but not scarred
- Posts: 519
- Joined: Thu Feb 12, 2004 8:08 am
- Location: Melbourne
- Country: Australia
Re: The Official Joke Thread
This is so disgraceful, its funny. My eyes were watering with laughter and I knew I had to post it here. Seems to be logs from different webchat sessions:
---------------------------------------------------
Bloodninja: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
Sarah19fca: mmmm, okay.
Bloodninja: I take yo pants off, grunting like a
troll.
Sarah19fca: Yeah I like it rough.
Bloodninja: I smack you thick booty.
Sarah19fca: Oh yeah, that feels good.
Bloodninja: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
Bloodninja: I make some toast and eat it off your ass.
Land O' Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.
Sarah19fca: you like that?
Bloodninja: I peel some bananas.
Sarah19fca: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
Bloodninja: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
Sarah19fca: Peanuts?
Bloodninja: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
Sarah19fca: What are you talking about?
Bloodninja: I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and
smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.
Sarah19fca: This is stupid.
Bloodninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some
beer.
Bloodninja: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
Bloodninja: Yeeaahhhh.
Sarah19fca: /ignore
Bloodninja: Its cool stone cold she was a *****
anyway.
Bloodninja: We get on harleys and ride into the
sunset.
---------------
Bloodninja:Wanna cyber?
DirtyKateK, but don't tell anybody
DirtyKate:Who are you?
Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out
a lot
Bloodninja:And I have a part time job delivering for
Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate:You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the
back of your car..
Bloodninja:Maybe some other time. You should call up
Papa John's and make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate:Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza
just dripping with sauce.
Bloodninja:Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is
Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you
the specials, and then you would make your order. So
that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate:I want everything, baby!
Bloodninja:Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate:Umm...Yes
DirtyKate:So you're bringing the pizza to my house
now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a
shower...
Bloodninja:Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to
cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry
up!
Bloodninja:You can't hurry good pizza.
Bloodninja:I'm on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate:So you're at my front door now.
Bloodninja:How did you know?
Bloodninja:I knock but you can't hear me cause you're
in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I
put the pizza down on your coffee table.
Bloodninja:Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as
hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKateooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm
all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
Bloodninja:So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate:Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
Bloodninja:I can no longer resist the pizza. I open
the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I
penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in Ecstasy. The
mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce
is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As
you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front
door....
DirtyKate:What the f**k?
DirtyKate:You perverted piece of s**t
DirtyKate:F**k
------------------
Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?
Bloodninja: What like gardening an ****?
MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.
Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
MommyMelissa: is that it?
Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts
INVOLVING vegetables...
Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage
my spinach... Sexily.
Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber
waves of grains.
MommyMelissa: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was
thinking more along the lines of carrots and
zucchinis.
Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this s**t is HOT.
MommyMelissa: ...
Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your
love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm
and sticky cauliflower of love.
MommyMelissa: What the f**k is this madlibs? I'm outta
here.
Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my
cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your
eyes. Now you can't see. *****.
MommyMelissa: whatever.
-------
bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat
me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you,
bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe
and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Level 3 Eroticism. You turn into a
real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before
casting Lvl 8 ***** of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty of
the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever.
This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't **** with me biznitch, I'm the
mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl
1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist,
because you are only a Lvl 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you
piece.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my
lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the
robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for
destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist
Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my
accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting
hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?
----------------
bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how
long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what
r u.
bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats
for sure.
j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on
the neck.
bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert
you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's
just part of the game.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They
******* charge your ***.
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a
Rhinocerus about to charge your ***.
bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my
tough skinned feet.
j_gurli3: thats it.
bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My
horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility,
is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine
remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll
suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
bloodninja: **** am I hard now.
-------------
BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show
you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and
massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and
wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the ****, I told you not to
message me again.
eminemBNJA:
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time
I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me
kiddie porn you **** up.
eminemBNJA: OheminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your
names or something
------------
sweet17: Hi
bloodninja: hello
bloodninja: who is this?
sweet17: just a someone?
bloodninja: A someone I know?
sweet17: nope
bloodninja: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
sweet17: well sorrrrrry
sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you
bloodninja: why?
sweet17: nevermind your an jerk
bloodninja: Hey wait a minute
sweet17: yes?
bloodninja: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
sweet17: paranoid?
bloodninja: yes
sweet17: of what?
sweet17: me?
bloodninja: No. I'm in hiding.
sweet17: LOL
bloodninja: Don't ******* laugh at me!
bloodninja: This **** is serious!
sweet17: What are you hiding from?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: gimme a ******* break
bloodninja: I'm serious.
sweet17: I don't get it
bloodninja: The cops are after me.
sweet17: For what?
bloodninja: I'm wanted in three states
sweet17: For???
bloodninja: It's kindof embarrasing.
bloodninja: I had sex with a turkey.
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You are ******* sick.
bloodninja: Send me your picture.
sweet17: why?
bloodninja: so I know you aren't one of them.
sweet17: One of what?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: I'm not a cop i told you
bloodninja: Then send me your picture.
sweet17: hold on
bloodninja: Hurry up.
bloodninja: Are you there?
bloodninja: **** you, cop!
sweet17: Hey sorry
sweet17: I had to do something for my mom.
bloodninja: I thought you were trying to find a
picture to send to me.
bloodninja: When really you were notifying the
authorities.
bloodninja: Weren't you!?
sweet17: thats not it
bloodninja: Then what?
sweet17: I don't want to send you the picture cause
I'm not pretty
bloodninja: Most cops aren't
sweet17: IM NOT A ******* COP YOU ********!
bloodninja: Then send me the picture.
sweet17: fine. What's your e-mail?
bloodninja: Just send it through here.
sweet17: alright *PIC*
sweet17: Did you get it?
bloodninja: Hold on. I'm looking.
sweet17: That was me back in may
sweet17: I've lost weight since then.
bloodninja: I hope so
sweet17: what?!?
sweet17: that hurt my feelings.
bloodninja: Did it?
sweet17: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.
bloodninja: Will it make you feel better if I send you
my picture?
sweet17: yes
bloodninja: Alright let me find it.
sweet17: kks
bloodninja: Okay here it is. *PIC*
sweet17: this isn't you.
bloodninja: I'll be damned if it ain't!
sweet17: You don't look like that.
bloodninja: How the hell do you know?
sweet17: cause your profile has another picture.
bloodninja: The profile pic is a fake.
bloodninja: I use it to hide from the cops.
sweet17: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
bloodninja: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh
guy....
bloodninja: Not to mention all the groceries.
sweet17: Go **** yourself
bloodninja: I was going to until I saw that picture
bloodninja: Now my unit won't get hard for a week.
sweet17: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.
sweet17: You've done nothing but slam me.
sweet17: you hurt me.
bloodninja: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't
hurt me?
sweet17: I thought you were bullcrapping me!
bloodninja: Why would I do that?
sweet17: I can't believe that cops are after you
bloodninja: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his
lap..
sweet17: **** YOU!!!
bloodninja: You'd break both of his legs.
sweet17: You're a ******* *******!
sweet17: I've been teased my whole life because of my
weight
sweet17: and you make fun of me when you don't even
know me
bloodninja: Ok. I'm sorry.
sweet17: No you aren't
bloodninja: You're right. I'm not.
bloodninja: HAARRRRR!
sweet17: I'm done with you
bloodninja: Aww. I'm sorry.
sweet17: I'm putting you on ignore
bloodninja: Wait a sec
bloodninja: We got off on the wrong foot.
bloodninja: Wanna start over?
sweet17: No
bloodninja: I'll eat your kitty
sweet17: You'll what?
bloodninja: You heard me.
bloodninja: I said I'd eat your kitty.
sweet17: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard
after seeing my picture
bloodninja: Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?
sweet17: I'd like to know that the man eating me out
is excited yes
bloodninja: Well I'm not like most men.
bloodninja: I get excited in different ways.
sweet17: Like what?
bloodninja: Do you really wanna know?
sweet17: I don't know
bloodninja: You have to tell me yes or no.
sweet17: I'm afraid to
bloodninja: Why?
sweet17: cause
bloodninja: cause why?
sweet17: well lets see
sweet17: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call
me fat. then you wanna eat me out
sweet17: doesn't that seem strange to you?
bloodninja: Nope
sweet17: well its strange to me
bloodninja: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me
to
sweet17: I didn't say that
bloodninja: So is that a yes?
sweet17: I guess so.
bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited
though.
bloodninja: Are you willing?
sweet17: What do you need me to do?
bloodninja: I need you talk like a pirate.
sweet17: ???
bloodninja: When I start to go limp... you say
"HARRRR!!!"
bloodninja: ok?
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You can't be serious
bloodninja: Oh yes I am!
bloodninja: It's my fantasy.
sweet17: this is retarded
bloodninja: Do you want it or not?
sweet17: Yes I want it.
bloodninja: Then you'll do it for me?
sweet17: sure
bloodninja: Ok. Here we go.
bloodninja: I gently remove your panties and being to
massage your thighs.
bloodninja: You get really juicy thinking about my
tounge brushing up against them
bloodninja: I softly begin to tounge your wet kitty.
bloodninja: I run my tounge up and down your smooth
****.
sweet17: mmmm yeah
bloodninja: uh oh ...going limp.
sweet17: Har
bloodninja: You gotta do better than that!
bloodninja: Your picture was really bad.
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get
more moist with every stroke.
bloodninja: I softly suck on your **** bringing it in
and out of my mouth.
bloodninja: Your juices run down my chin as your scent
makes its way to my nose.
bloodninja: I begin to feel empowered by your
femininity.
sweet17: mmmmmm you are good
bloodninja: I feel your thighs tighten as I ****
harder
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: HARRRRRRR
bloodninja: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my
hands.
bloodninja: You begin to sway back and forth.
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: this is stupid
bloodninja: ...still limp
bloodninja: Do it!
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: I turn you around to lick your *******.
bloodninja: I pry apart that battleship you call your
ass.
bloodninja: I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair
around your ass.
sweet17: WTF?!?!?
bloodninja: They stink really bad.
sweet17: OMG STOP!!!
bloodninja: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
bloodninja: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
bloodninja: I ram it up your ass.
sweet17: YOURE A ******* PYSCHO!!
bloodninja: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
bloodninja: And turn you into a ******* candy apple...
bloodninja: I kick you in the face!
sweet17: **** YOU *******!!
bloodninja: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the
side of the cabin...
bloodninja: Your parrot flys away.
bloodninja: ...going limp again.
bloodninja: Hello?
bloodninja: Say it!
bloodninja: HAARRRRRR!!!!!
---------------------------------------------------
Bloodninja: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
Sarah19fca: mmmm, okay.
Bloodninja: I take yo pants off, grunting like a
troll.
Sarah19fca: Yeah I like it rough.
Bloodninja: I smack you thick booty.
Sarah19fca: Oh yeah, that feels good.
Bloodninja: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
Bloodninja: I make some toast and eat it off your ass.
Land O' Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.
Sarah19fca: you like that?
Bloodninja: I peel some bananas.
Sarah19fca: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
Bloodninja: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
Sarah19fca: Peanuts?
Bloodninja: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
Sarah19fca: What are you talking about?
Bloodninja: I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and
smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.
Sarah19fca: This is stupid.
Bloodninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some
beer.
Bloodninja: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
Bloodninja: Yeeaahhhh.
Sarah19fca: /ignore
Bloodninja: Its cool stone cold she was a *****
anyway.
Bloodninja: We get on harleys and ride into the
sunset.
---------------
Bloodninja:Wanna cyber?
DirtyKateK, but don't tell anybody
DirtyKate:Who are you?
Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out
a lot
Bloodninja:And I have a part time job delivering for
Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate:You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the
back of your car..
Bloodninja:Maybe some other time. You should call up
Papa John's and make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate:Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza
just dripping with sauce.
Bloodninja:Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is
Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you
the specials, and then you would make your order. So
that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate:I want everything, baby!
Bloodninja:Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate:Umm...Yes
DirtyKate:So you're bringing the pizza to my house
now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a
shower...
Bloodninja:Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to
cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry
up!
Bloodninja:You can't hurry good pizza.
Bloodninja:I'm on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate:So you're at my front door now.
Bloodninja:How did you know?
Bloodninja:I knock but you can't hear me cause you're
in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I
put the pizza down on your coffee table.
Bloodninja:Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as
hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKateooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm
all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
Bloodninja:So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate:Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
Bloodninja:I can no longer resist the pizza. I open
the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I
penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in Ecstasy. The
mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce
is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As
you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front
door....
DirtyKate:What the f**k?
DirtyKate:You perverted piece of s**t
DirtyKate:F**k
------------------
Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?
Bloodninja: What like gardening an ****?
MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.
Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
MommyMelissa: is that it?
Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts
INVOLVING vegetables...
Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage
my spinach... Sexily.
Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber
waves of grains.
MommyMelissa: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was
thinking more along the lines of carrots and
zucchinis.
Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this s**t is HOT.
MommyMelissa: ...
Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your
love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm
and sticky cauliflower of love.
MommyMelissa: What the f**k is this madlibs? I'm outta
here.
Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my
cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your
eyes. Now you can't see. *****.
MommyMelissa: whatever.
-------
bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat
me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you,
bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe
and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Level 3 Eroticism. You turn into a
real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before
casting Lvl 8 ***** of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty of
the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever.
This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't **** with me biznitch, I'm the
mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl
1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist,
because you are only a Lvl 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you
piece.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my
lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the
robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for
destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist
Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my
accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting
hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?
----------------
bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how
long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what
r u.
bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats
for sure.
j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on
the neck.
bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert
you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's
just part of the game.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They
******* charge your ***.
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a
Rhinocerus about to charge your ***.
bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my
tough skinned feet.
j_gurli3: thats it.
bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My
horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility,
is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine
remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll
suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
bloodninja: **** am I hard now.
-------------
BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show
you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and
massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and
wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the ****, I told you not to
message me again.
eminemBNJA:
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time
I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me
kiddie porn you **** up.
eminemBNJA: OheminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your
names or something
------------
sweet17: Hi
bloodninja: hello
bloodninja: who is this?
sweet17: just a someone?
bloodninja: A someone I know?
sweet17: nope
bloodninja: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
sweet17: well sorrrrrry
sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you
bloodninja: why?
sweet17: nevermind your an jerk
bloodninja: Hey wait a minute
sweet17: yes?
bloodninja: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
sweet17: paranoid?
bloodninja: yes
sweet17: of what?
sweet17: me?
bloodninja: No. I'm in hiding.
sweet17: LOL
bloodninja: Don't ******* laugh at me!
bloodninja: This **** is serious!
sweet17: What are you hiding from?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: gimme a ******* break
bloodninja: I'm serious.
sweet17: I don't get it
bloodninja: The cops are after me.
sweet17: For what?
bloodninja: I'm wanted in three states
sweet17: For???
bloodninja: It's kindof embarrasing.
bloodninja: I had sex with a turkey.
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You are ******* sick.
bloodninja: Send me your picture.
sweet17: why?
bloodninja: so I know you aren't one of them.
sweet17: One of what?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: I'm not a cop i told you
bloodninja: Then send me your picture.
sweet17: hold on
bloodninja: Hurry up.
bloodninja: Are you there?
bloodninja: **** you, cop!
sweet17: Hey sorry
sweet17: I had to do something for my mom.
bloodninja: I thought you were trying to find a
picture to send to me.
bloodninja: When really you were notifying the
authorities.
bloodninja: Weren't you!?
sweet17: thats not it
bloodninja: Then what?
sweet17: I don't want to send you the picture cause
I'm not pretty
bloodninja: Most cops aren't
sweet17: IM NOT A ******* COP YOU ********!
bloodninja: Then send me the picture.
sweet17: fine. What's your e-mail?
bloodninja: Just send it through here.
sweet17: alright *PIC*
sweet17: Did you get it?
bloodninja: Hold on. I'm looking.
sweet17: That was me back in may
sweet17: I've lost weight since then.
bloodninja: I hope so
sweet17: what?!?
sweet17: that hurt my feelings.
bloodninja: Did it?
sweet17: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.
bloodninja: Will it make you feel better if I send you
my picture?
sweet17: yes
bloodninja: Alright let me find it.
sweet17: kks
bloodninja: Okay here it is. *PIC*
sweet17: this isn't you.
bloodninja: I'll be damned if it ain't!
sweet17: You don't look like that.
bloodninja: How the hell do you know?
sweet17: cause your profile has another picture.
bloodninja: The profile pic is a fake.
bloodninja: I use it to hide from the cops.
sweet17: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
bloodninja: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh
guy....
bloodninja: Not to mention all the groceries.
sweet17: Go **** yourself
bloodninja: I was going to until I saw that picture
bloodninja: Now my unit won't get hard for a week.
sweet17: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.
sweet17: You've done nothing but slam me.
sweet17: you hurt me.
bloodninja: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't
hurt me?
sweet17: I thought you were bullcrapping me!
bloodninja: Why would I do that?
sweet17: I can't believe that cops are after you
bloodninja: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his
lap..
sweet17: **** YOU!!!
bloodninja: You'd break both of his legs.
sweet17: You're a ******* *******!
sweet17: I've been teased my whole life because of my
weight
sweet17: and you make fun of me when you don't even
know me
bloodninja: Ok. I'm sorry.
sweet17: No you aren't
bloodninja: You're right. I'm not.
bloodninja: HAARRRRR!
sweet17: I'm done with you
bloodninja: Aww. I'm sorry.
sweet17: I'm putting you on ignore
bloodninja: Wait a sec
bloodninja: We got off on the wrong foot.
bloodninja: Wanna start over?
sweet17: No
bloodninja: I'll eat your kitty
sweet17: You'll what?
bloodninja: You heard me.
bloodninja: I said I'd eat your kitty.
sweet17: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard
after seeing my picture
bloodninja: Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?
sweet17: I'd like to know that the man eating me out
is excited yes
bloodninja: Well I'm not like most men.
bloodninja: I get excited in different ways.
sweet17: Like what?
bloodninja: Do you really wanna know?
sweet17: I don't know
bloodninja: You have to tell me yes or no.
sweet17: I'm afraid to
bloodninja: Why?
sweet17: cause
bloodninja: cause why?
sweet17: well lets see
sweet17: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call
me fat. then you wanna eat me out
sweet17: doesn't that seem strange to you?
bloodninja: Nope
sweet17: well its strange to me
bloodninja: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me
to
sweet17: I didn't say that
bloodninja: So is that a yes?
sweet17: I guess so.
bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited
though.
bloodninja: Are you willing?
sweet17: What do you need me to do?
bloodninja: I need you talk like a pirate.
sweet17: ???
bloodninja: When I start to go limp... you say
"HARRRR!!!"
bloodninja: ok?
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You can't be serious
bloodninja: Oh yes I am!
bloodninja: It's my fantasy.
sweet17: this is retarded
bloodninja: Do you want it or not?
sweet17: Yes I want it.
bloodninja: Then you'll do it for me?
sweet17: sure
bloodninja: Ok. Here we go.
bloodninja: I gently remove your panties and being to
massage your thighs.
bloodninja: You get really juicy thinking about my
tounge brushing up against them
bloodninja: I softly begin to tounge your wet kitty.
bloodninja: I run my tounge up and down your smooth
****.
sweet17: mmmm yeah
bloodninja: uh oh ...going limp.
sweet17: Har
bloodninja: You gotta do better than that!
bloodninja: Your picture was really bad.
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get
more moist with every stroke.
bloodninja: I softly suck on your **** bringing it in
and out of my mouth.
bloodninja: Your juices run down my chin as your scent
makes its way to my nose.
bloodninja: I begin to feel empowered by your
femininity.
sweet17: mmmmmm you are good
bloodninja: I feel your thighs tighten as I ****
harder
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: HARRRRRRR
bloodninja: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my
hands.
bloodninja: You begin to sway back and forth.
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: this is stupid
bloodninja: ...still limp
bloodninja: Do it!
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: I turn you around to lick your *******.
bloodninja: I pry apart that battleship you call your
ass.
bloodninja: I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair
around your ass.
sweet17: WTF?!?!?
bloodninja: They stink really bad.
sweet17: OMG STOP!!!
bloodninja: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
bloodninja: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
bloodninja: I ram it up your ass.
sweet17: YOURE A ******* PYSCHO!!
bloodninja: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
bloodninja: And turn you into a ******* candy apple...
bloodninja: I kick you in the face!
sweet17: **** YOU *******!!
bloodninja: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the
side of the cabin...
bloodninja: Your parrot flys away.
bloodninja: ...going limp again.
bloodninja: Hello?
bloodninja: Say it!
bloodninja: HAARRRRRR!!!!!
-
Bob Garage
- Stone Cold Poster
- Posts: 4044
- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN
ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while shouting "It's not there!", You've moved it!" or "We've run out!" - Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while shouting "It's not there!", You've moved it!" or "We've run out!" - Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
-
Danallica
- Phantom Lord
- Posts: 959
- Joined: Tue Oct 11, 2005 12:45 pm
- Location: Adelaide, South Australia, Australia
- Country: Australia
Re: The Official Joke Thread
Satan vists the church
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
-
Bob Garage
- Stone Cold Poster
- Posts: 4044
- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
The Japanese have invented a camera with a shutter speed so fast, that you can take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
-
Bob Garage
- Stone Cold Poster
- Posts: 4044
- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him she's staying home.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
Her boss asks, "What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
Her boss asks, "What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
-
Bob Garage
- Stone Cold Poster
- Posts: 4044
- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
United Blow!
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Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
-
Bob Garage
- Stone Cold Poster
- Posts: 4044
- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
Cluedo with Barrymore
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
-
Bob Garage
- Stone Cold Poster
- Posts: 4044
- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
man walks into a butchers and says-
customer:"what happened to your apprentice?"
Butcher:"i sacked him"
customer:"why?"
Butcher:"he was sticking his d**k inthe bacon slicer"
customer:"what happened to it?"
Butcher:"i sacked her aswell"
customer:"what happened to your apprentice?"
Butcher:"i sacked him"
customer:"why?"
Butcher:"he was sticking his d**k inthe bacon slicer"
customer:"what happened to it?"
Butcher:"i sacked her aswell"
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!