The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A man walked into a bar with a paper bag. He sat down and placed the bag on the counter. The bartender asked what's in the bag. The man reached into the bag and pulled out a little man about one foot high and set him on the counter. He reached back into the bag and pulled out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reached into the bag once again and pulled out a tiny piano bench, which he placed in front of the piano. The little man sat down at the piano and started playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" said the bartender.

The man responded by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulled out a magic lamp. He handed it to the bartender and said: "Here. Rub it." So the bartender rubbed the lamp and suddenly there 's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish."

The bartender got real excited. Without hesitating, he said, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walked into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar was filled with ducks and they kept coming!

The bartender turned to the man and said, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" said the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

[Bob Garage]

There are only eleven times in history to my knowledge where the "F" word
has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. "What the f#$% do you mean we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the f#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those f#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877


8. "Any f#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938


7. "It does so f#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926


6. "How the f#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC


5. "You want WHAT on the f#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566


4. "Where the f#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937


3. "Scattered f#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC


2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1999

and a drum roll............! ....


1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f%#*^ing mad."
-- Sadaam Hussein, 2003

[Bob Garage]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that
despite being 72 years of age, he could still have s*x 3 times a
night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show,
Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave s*x
with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went
off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate s*x together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for
half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping,
old my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed,but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better s*x
than before.

Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep
for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No
problem hun".

Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and
Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer
willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with
a Scouser, the b!tch stole ma wallet !".

[Snow]

Guts and Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed
below....


GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."


I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

[Bob Garage]

The Ant & The Grasshopper Fable:-

CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool,and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END


THE BRITISH VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool,and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

So far, so good, eh?

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know Why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home in Hampstead with a table laden with food.
The British are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Liberal Party, the Respect Party, the Transvestites With Starving Babies Party, the Single Lesbian One Eyed Mothers Party and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The BBC, interrupting a Rastafarian cultural festival special from Grimsby with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome."

Ken Livingstone laments in an interview with Panorama that the ant has Got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share". In response, the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to Hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by Camden Council.
The ant moves to France, and starts a successful AgriBiz company [funded by the EU] (although within weeks, his business is threatened with Compulsory purchase by the state unless he marries a French ant).

The BBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of The ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.
Inadequate government funding is blamed, Diane Abbot is appointed to head a commission of enquiry That will cost £10,000,000.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Guardian blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity. The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana growing operations and terrorize the community.

THE END .

[Invaders]

this is the best aussie joke probably

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

'Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.'

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: 'I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot.'

The man says: 'I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you.'

[Fadingtoblack]

^^ Actually it's the Kiwi's who are the Sheep-Shaggers

[Bob Garage]

>The Old Poodle
>
>
>
> A wealthy lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful
> aged poodle along for the company.
>
> One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that
> he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his
> direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!
> I'm in deep shit now!"
>
> Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew
> on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about
> to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard!
> I wonder if there are any more around here?"
>
> Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
> terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the
> leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
>
> Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree,
> figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection. So
> off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great
> speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with
> the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
>
> The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey,
> hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now,
> the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks,
> "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with h
> is back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet,and just when they
> get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I
> sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
>
> Moral of this story..
> Don't mess with old farts. Age and cunning will always overcome youth and
> skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

[Invaders]

sorry for postwhoring but:

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Pete-Rock]

Well my english is not that good and translating a german joke seems very difficult to me, but I'll give it a try:


A man walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm. He puts his crocodile on a table, pulls a hammer out of his pocket and hits the crocodile on the head - BAMMM!!! The crocodile opens its big mouth.

The man opens his trousers, pulls out his best friend and puts it into the crocodiles mouth. Then he hits the croc on its head with his hammer again - BAMMM!!! - and the mouth is shut.

Silence in the bar. Everybody is staring at the man and the crocodile, wondering how brave the man is. After a minute the man takes his hammer again - BAMMM!!! - the crocodile opens its mouth again and.... the little Willy of the man is unhurt!!! Applause in the bar, everyone is excited about this trick.

"Ok" says the man, "is there anybody in here brave enough to try this?"

A blond woman raises her arm and says "well, I will give it a try. But dont hit me with your hammer too hard!!!"


I hope you guys could understand my translation...