I have one that is really funny, but you might have to read it out loud to get it.
You have Monica Lewinsky going to a place where they clean, wash and dry your clothes. When she gets there, she goes to see the person working behind the desk, which is a very, ver, very old lady and she says:
-Excuse me, I would like to get rid of a huge staind that I got on my dress
The old lady has a hard time listening to her to which she replies:
-Come again?
and Monica replies:
-No, it's orange juice this time
The guy who sent this to me changed the names to some friends of ours, while it makes it a lot funnier for me, you can probably ignore them!
Ben came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside Amy who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Ben, "and what are you
doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and
I'm St Peter".
Ben was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have
so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....
you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a
catch".
"We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Ben was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house,
he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered
in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't
so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up
inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new
hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
It's not so bad" replies Ben, "but I have this strange
feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't
tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Ben.
"Well just relax and let it happen" And so he did and after a
few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An
immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better
of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his
second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that
being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to
him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard Amy
shouting "Ben, wake up you drunken bastard, you're sh*tting in
bed!"
As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University
> On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe
> storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to
> worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in
> particular loses it.
> Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm
> too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm
> going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
> memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me
> feel like a WOMAN?"
>
>
> For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their
> own peril. They all stare. Eyes riveted at the desperate
> woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Texas
> stands up in the rear of the plane.
> He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and
> hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
> unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time.
>
>
> No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across
> his chest. She gasps...
>
>
> He whispers "Iron this -- and then get me a beer."
As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University
Mr.Metal wrote:I have one that is really funny, but you might have to read it out loud to get it.
You have Monica Lewinsky going to a place where they clean, wash and dry your clothes. When she gets there, she goes to see the person working behind the desk, which is a very, ver, very old lady and she says:
-Excuse me, I would like to get rid of a huge staind that I got on my dress
The old lady has a hard time listening to her to which she replies:
-Come again?
and Monica replies:
-No, it's orange juice this time
Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3:
A Sales Rep, an Administration Clerk, and the Manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the Admin. Clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the Sales Rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the Manager.
The Manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon a farmer, who spotted him, shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshìt might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
Norwich Union has compiled a list of the ten strangest claims received in the past 12 months:
1. "A frozen squirrel fell out of a tree and crashed through the windscreen on to the passenger seat"
2. "The car was parked when a reindeer fell on the bonnet of my car"
3. "I was driving round a bend, when one of the doors opened and a frozen kebab flew out, hitting and damaging a passing car"
4. "A herd of cows licked my car and caused damage to the paintwork"
5. "A zebra collided with my car when I was at a safari park"
6. "While I was waiting at traffic lights, a wasp went down my trouser leg which made me hit the accelerator and prang the car in front"
7. "I couldn't brake because a potato was lodged behind the brake"
8. "My parked car was hit by a bull which had escaped from an agricultural show"
9. "A cow jumped on my quad bike"
10. "As I came over a hill, I hit a cow in the middle of the road, which then hit the bonnet and shattered the windscreen with its rear end." (The cow survived)
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
Allegedly true - for once it's worth reading the disclaimer at the bottom too...
An employee there who obviously has a sense of humour allegedly posted this very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Website. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour, and made the web department take it down immediately (for once, the 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too...).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.
1.
[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other
First Name: .....................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name......................................................
Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
Code Name: ......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........
2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... /......./......
4. Serial Number:
...............................................
5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / manoeuvrability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq
9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the near future:
[_] Colour TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation?
(Indicate all that apply
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal cheque
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveller's cheque
13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilisation / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.
Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department Military, Aerospace Division
IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or no grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
