The Official Joke Thread

[Fadingtoblack]

Most cricketers, who are not comfortable in conversing in English, go prepared for some
standard questions that are asked from them when commentators chat with them during the
awards ceremony.

Inzamam was once asked a different question after Pakistan won the match, for which he was
not prepared. He always had a standard response to the first question. But this time.....
it was Tony Greig:
So Inzi, that's fantastic, your wife is pregnant for the second time!

Inzamam: Bismillah-e-Rehman-e-Rahim! All credit goes to the boys.

Everyone worked hard for it, especially Afridi. It was a tight situation when he went in.
Without his strokes it might not have been possible.

He was pulling the good balls. Also Bob Woolmer was keeping close watch on the progress and
giving instructions. It's all team effort which pulled us out of a big hole.

Insha Allah, we all worked together as a team, put in big effort and deliver good results
all the time.

[Fadingtoblack]

How to make a woman happy?

It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father

6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter

10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist

14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean

24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender

33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent

37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined

41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate


WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest (white lies okay)
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. to never forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY?

1. Feed him
2. Fuck him
3. and Shut the fuck up.

[Leighton]

Australian PM John Howard shows us all that his appearances at various sporting events are simply photo ops, cause ain't learnin' anything from what he's watching.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid ... 6387500778

[Fadingtoblack]

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to
provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a
pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella
doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00am, Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very
satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother.

"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his
name!"

Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, Peter, Peter, something or other..."

[Doin]

Cartoon furore puts Mohammed's guest role on 'The Simpsons' in doubt
Sunday, 05 February 2006

http://www.chaser.com.au/content/view/2998/26/

The controversy over cartoons of the Prophet Mohammed in a Danish newspaper has led the producers of The Simpsons to reconsider his appearance in a forthcoming episode. The offending cartoons included a picture of the founder of Islam wearing a turban, and have been slammed by Muslims for being blasphemous and Israelis as overly subtle.

Unfortunately, the cancellation means that Ned Flanders has again staved off being stoned to death as an infidel“In light of the situation in Denmark, we have decided to withdraw our depiction of the Prophet out of sensitivity towards the Islamic community’s feelings,” creator Matt Groening said. “And also our sensitivity to our office being firebombed.”

In the cancelled episode, entitled ‘Don’t Have A Pig, Man’, Mohammed was to have appeared to Homer in a dream, converting him to Islam with a promise of 770 donuts in the afterlife.

Groening said that the decision to produce the episode starring Mohammed was not taken lightly. “We suspected there would be an adverse reaction if we drew the Prophet,” he said. “But we had no choice. He's the only celebrity guest we haven’t used before.”


The show's creator has also guaranteed Muslim viewers that he won't be depicting the Prophet anywhere else in future. “Since the cancellation, we can't just use all the rejected Simpsons ideas on Futurama anymore,” he said.


The furore over the incident has led the Danish press to vow to tone down its coverage of controversial events. "This will teach us to write stories that aren't about Prince Frederik's baby," the editor of Jyllands-Posten said.

Meanwhile a fatwa has also been declared on cartoonist Michael Leunig, although on account of the insipidness of his work rather than any blasphemy.

[Leighton]

LOL!

The Chaser is on Friday night, BTW.

[Fadingtoblack]

A WEEK AT THE GYM; ONE MAN'S STORY -

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you.
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
......................................................................
...

Dear Diary...

For my Christmas present this year, my wife, Tarshie, (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since
playing on my cricket team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
give it a try.

......................................................................
.....
Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobicsinstructor and model for athletic
clothing and swimwear. Sally seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
......................................................................
.....
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress........


MONDAY: I started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it
when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white
smile. Woo Hoo! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after
five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed
it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way
in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!! Belinda
was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in
the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

......................................................................
....
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me
lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, then she put weights on it! My legs
were a little wobbly on the Tread-mill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding
smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.


......................................................................
....
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it!!

I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.

Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the
club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds,
she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other crap too.

......................................................................
.....
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel
lips were pulled back in a full snarl.

I couldn't help being a half an hour late. It took me that long to tie my
shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking,I ran and hid in
the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine - which I sank.

......................................................................
...
FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human
being in the history of the world.

Stupid!Skinny! Anemic little wana-be cheerleader!

If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with
it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.

I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't
hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than
a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated as
magna cum laude )

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?

......................................................................
.....
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering wny I did not show up today.
Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.

However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
......................................................................
.....


SUNDAY: I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank
GOD that this week is over.
I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun -
like a root canal or a vasectomy.

[metallifreak27]

HAHAHA fucken FUNNY!!!! as if anyone could read that without laughing!

[her-mans-son]

The only joke i can think about isn't really a joke it's a fun thing.

Outside a store in great brittain it's says: A.Virgin & son

It's pretty funny how everything can be right and wrong in the same time

[Fadingtoblack]

Ok, with this post making 300 replies, I just wanted to post a thank you to everyone who's contributed to this thread over the last (almost) 2 years.


I never thought when I first made this thread that 2 years later, every time I logged in, there'd still be a new joke for me to read, I can't think how it could've turned out better.


So all those who have contributed, thanks, and give yourself a pat on the back from me.
All those yet to contribute, I hope you've enjoyed the jokes as much as I have, and I hope to see you posting in here soon.


Here's to another 300 replies!