The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

i'll start the next 300 jokes then....


An elderly lady posted an ad in the 'lonely hearts' column...

HUSBAND WANTED
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (80's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you....you have no legs!"
The old man smiled "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and
said "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

[Bob Garage]

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

And just before she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eyes and a tree stump shoved up his arse.

[Bob Garage]

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas.

A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of "England."

One of the others said "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs.

Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour.

All I had left to work withwas the horse's ass and a cowboy hat.

Now he's president of the United States

[Bob Garage]

Go into google and search the following:

"March 20th"

It's a quality idea in my book.

[Bob Garage]

Choosing a wife


A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gave each woman a present of $5,000 and watched to see what they did with the money.


The first had a total make over. She went to a fancy beauty salon and had her hair done, bought new make up and several new outfits; then dressed up very nicely for the man. She told him that she had done this to be more attractive for him because she loved him so much.


The man was impressed.


The second went shopping to buy the man gifts. She got him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts, she told him that she spent all the money on him because she loved him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.


The third invested the money in the stock market. She earned several times the $5,000.


She gave him back his $5000 and reinvested the remainder in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loved him so much.


Obviously, the man was impressed.


The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.


Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

[Bob Garage]

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Bob Garage]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer
resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the
Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it
would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

[Fadingtoblack]

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I
don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just
fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another
question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite
and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right
now!!!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other
stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

[Fadingtoblack]

Subject: Unfaithful & Grateful

The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a
beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the
faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a
divorce!"

The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what
happened"

"Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But
make it fast, you unfaithful pig"

The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this young lady asks for
a ride. I saw her so defenceless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that
she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for
3 days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that
I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll
gain weight; the poor thing, practically devoured them.

Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed
her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed
clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no
longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on
our anniversary and you don't wear because you said I don't have good taste. I gave
her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother
my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you
never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story . . .. . . "The young woman was very grateful to me and
I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming
out of her eyes, she asked me: "Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not
use?"

[Fadingtoblack]

A Mexican ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local
sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to
the Kiwi "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Mex."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake
once a week to play."

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?"(pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often
and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Kiwi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar."