The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

I don't how many of you shop at Tesco, but this may be useful to know.

I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me at Tesco in Peterborough and it could happen to you at any supermarket. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Tesco. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and probably tonight

[Bob Garage]

Cursed with splitting headaches for years, Trevor goes to a headache specialist.

“The trouble is,” Trevor tells the specialist, “I get this blinding pain, like a knife across my scalp and...”

He’s interrupted by the doctor: “And a heavy throbbing, behind the left ear?”

“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”

“Well, I suffered from that same type of headache for years. It’s caused by tension in the scalp. This is how I cured it: every day I gave my wife oral sex.”

“Is that all it took?” says Trevor, intrigued.

“Oh no,” says the doctor. “When she came she’d squeeze her legs together and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for a fortnight, come back and let me know how it goes.”

Two weeks later Trevor returns, grinning. “Doc, I’m a new man! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough.”

“That’s fine,” says the doctor. “I was glad to pass on a personal cure.”

“By the way,” says Trevor, standing up to leave. “You have a lovely home.”

[Mr.Metal]

SUBJECT: BEER

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."


The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click here:
http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

[Bob Garage]

The people of a village are gathered in their town hall at the arrival of 'a faith healer'. He is the first of any sort of healer to visit the village, and there is quite a hub-ub about.
The healer gets up on stage and proclaims to the people.
'i have the power!'
he then proclaims that he can heal any ailments people happen to have.
An old man on crutches gets up and hobbles over to the stage.
The Healer says 'come my child, tell us your name and what ails you?'
the old man then says 'Im Fred, and when i was but 3 years of age i was knocked down by a traction engine, and i have been on these ere crutches ever since'
the Healer replies,'go behind the curtain at the back and wait for the magic words'.
He then cries out,'is their anyone else that needs the power'
A young lady gets up, and walks to the front,
'Hi im Alice, and as you can probably tell, i have a speech impediment'
The Healer saids 'Ok Alice go behind that curtain with Fred and i will tell you what to do'
She moves behind the curtain and the Healer proclaims,
'THE POWER TOUCHES YOU;YOU HAVE THE POWER!!'
he quickly cries
'Fred drop your cructhes, Alice say something'
'Freds fallen over!!'

[Bob Garage]

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the
best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss
hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany
doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are
named Bush, Dick, and Colon."-Chris Rock

[Bob Garage]

Brokeback Mountain Weekly Grocery Lists

WEEK ONE
Beans
Bacon
Coffee
Whiskey
WEEK TWO
Beans
Ham
Coffee
Whiskey
WEEK THREE
Beans al fresca
Thin-sliced Bacon
Hazelnut Coffee
Sky vodka & Tanqueray gin
K-Y gel
WEEK FOUR
Beans en salade
Pancetta
Coffee (espresso grind)
5-6 bottles best Chardonnay
2 tubes K-Y gel
WEEK FIVE
Fresh Fava beans
Jasmine rice
Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced
Medallions of veal
Porcini mushrooms
1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream
1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
5-6 bottles French Bordeaux (Estate Reserve)
1 extra large bottle Astro-glide
WEEK SIX
Yukon Gold potatoes
Heavy whipping cream
Asparagus (very thin)
Organic Eggs
Spanish Lemons
Gruyere cheese (well aged)
Crushed Walnuts
Arugula
Clarified Butter
Extra Virgin Olive oil
Pure Balsamic vinegar
6 yards white silk organdy
6 yards pale ivory taffeta
3 Cases of Dom Perignon Masters Reserve
Large tin Crisco

[Bob Garage]

Things that are DIFFICULT to say when drunk.

1 - Innovative
2 - Preliminary
3 - Proliferation
4 - Cinnamon

Things that are VERY DIFFICULT to say when drunk.

1 - Specificity
2 - British constitution
3 - Passive-aggressive disorder
4 - Transubstantiate

Things which are IMPOSSIBLE to say when drunk

1 - Thanks for the offer, but I don't want to sleep with you.
2 - Nope, no more booze for me.
3 - No kebab for me, thank you.
4 - Sorry, but you're not really my type.
5 - Look mate, I've told you, I'm not interested in a fight.
6 - No way, I couldn't, nobody wants to hear me sing.
7 - Thanks for asking, but I don't want to dance. I have no
co-ordination and hate to make a fool of myself.
8 - Where is the nearest public lavatory? I absolutely refuse to pee in
the street.
9 - I must be going now as I have work in the morning.

[Bob Garage]

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to carry

out

an audit of the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books

he

turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What

do you do with the candle drippings?" "Good question," noted the Rabbi.

"We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and Every now

and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the

auditor,

somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo (flat

bread eaten at

Passover) purchases?

What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying

to

trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them

back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box

of matzo balls." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how

he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on,"

what

do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you

perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do

is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about

once a year they send us a complete dick!"

[Bob Garage]

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM:Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL:It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL:The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM:It's not working.

SL:Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL:The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.


Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM:Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.


SM:Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man
with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

say two Hail Marys!

[Bob Garage]

International Rules of Manhood

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at rugby, and your beer is getting wet, then, for the drinking period only, it is permissible.

2. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.
3. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However you can complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you intentionally trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just greedy.

19. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding S*x pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, baby, push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have S*x with her Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal 'drunken monkey S*x', the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was, occurs.

25.I t is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, orange or sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Play station II. End of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch ice-skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.