The Official Joke Thread

[Pete-Rock]

A farmer needed a new cock for his hens. For that he went to a market. "Take this one" the marketer said "he will please all your hens - and not only them!" The farmer took the cock and went home.

One day later the cock impregnated all the hens. The farmer is very pleased.

On day two the cock impreganted every single goose.

On day three the cock impregnated all the farmers ducks.

But on day four the cock lay in the dust, legs up, eyes closed and looked like he was dead, some vultures were already cruising in the sky above him. "Oh well" the farmer said "I knew that you would not do this job for a long time - nobody can keep up such a great deal of work..."
"Shhhh be quiet" the cock answered "you frighten the vultures away!!!"

[Pete-Rock]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she
selected:

* 2 litres of low fat milk
* a carton of eggs
* 2 litres of orange juice
* a head of lettuce
* half a dozen tomatoes
* a 500g jar of coffee
* a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know
what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Because you're ugly."

[Bob Garage]

Cruel Parents ........ see photos - fifth one down right hand column


http://www.electraisd.net/alumni/displa ... spx?y=1993

[Doin]

Not sure if this has been posted before but this is hilarious...

http://www.thepantsman.com/

It started with an Aussie backpacker emailing home sordid tales of his sexual exploits to his mates using cricket and football analogies. The emails made their way around the world and onto this website.
Whether it's true or not, the diaries are very funny.

[Bob Garage]

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. The AA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same things. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not a bodily function).

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss an entire show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)...applies to engineers mainly.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either S*x, cars or sport. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like looking for my socks, or wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for Women to better understand Men...the above might seem like a joke. But it's not

[Bob Garage]

Before Computers

Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider's home

A virus was the flu

A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy . ...

. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out!

[Fadingtoblack]

CLASSIC AFFAIRS:


The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and
woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and
rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my
secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"


The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They
decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and
delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He
was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two
beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"


The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be
cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever
seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you
to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening
his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"


The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a
statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked
it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at
the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."


The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of
wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your
best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

[Fadingtoblack]

As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing
noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real
workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"

The daughter replied, "Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is
about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the
closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he Observed his daughter making passionate
love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad,
I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever
get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the
kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room.
She entered that area and Observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer,
and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied - "I'm watching the Footy with my son-in-law."

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people
sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"


The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an
owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina
a drink!"


The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and
again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What
man here will buy a lady a drink?"


Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give
the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your
business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the
ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a
ballerina!"

[Bob Garage]

A teacher tells her class the new word for the day is Contagious, she asks the class if they could explain what the word means.

She asks Joe if he can explain what the word means and he says, "My Mom says to stay away from kids with chicken pox because they are contagious." The teacher says, "That is very good Joe."

Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was Contagious." And the teacher says, "Excellent Suzie."

Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class, "Yes Johnny," she says. Johnny says, "The other day me and my Dad were sitting around and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little brush you use to paint model cars, and she was going in tiny little stokes up and down the fence." My Dad says to me, "Jesus, its gonna take that c*** ages to finish that fence."

[Bob Garage]

Paddy goes for a job as Farrier.

The man interviewing him asks " Have you ever shoed a horse before?"

Paddy answers, " Well no sir, not exactly, but I once told a donkey to feck off".