The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

Zen for peopler who take life to seriously

1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.

2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.

3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.

4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.

5. 42.7% OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.

6. 99% OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.

7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.

8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.

9. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST.

11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.

12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE.

13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.

14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.

15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.

16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.

17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.

18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!

19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.

20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!

21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.

22. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHOKINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.

23. OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?

24. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?

25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.

26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.

27 HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.

28. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.

29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS?

30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?

31. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.

32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?

33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND, BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.

34. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.

35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?

36. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED.

37. JUST REMEMBER--IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL FALL OFF.

38. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK

[Bob Garage]

THE ULTIMATE IRISH JOKE


Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section
and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he
can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat
cage up dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the
birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the
Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis
looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on
each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says,


"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop
too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box
in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and
lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says,

"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out
of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and
disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with
his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean and his fook'n
hengliding

[Bob Garage]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little runt, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his hand?"

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well, "says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."

[Bob Garage]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road.

An officer pulls him over. "So, "says the officer to the driver, where
have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well, "says the officer, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the officer, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf."

[Bob Garage]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. "There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned."


"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go
quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

[Bob Garage]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have
any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask,
Mary?

"She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

[Bob Garage]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk
continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
either."

[Bob Garage]

>This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
>
>The only friction in there marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly
>every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would
>make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead
>with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he
>couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
>doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years
>went by and he continued to rip them out!
>Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he
>was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey
>innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought
>came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound
>asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic
>waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
>
>Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was
>followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran
>into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the
>floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had
>got him back pretty good.
>About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained
>underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him
>what was the matter.
>He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I
>didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always
>told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally
>happened.
>But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of
>them back in."

[Bob Garage]

Nike are making a new style of Trainer for the lesbian market. Calling them "Nikes for Dykes" you get 50% more tongue and can get them off with one finger.

[Bob Garage]

The secret of a happy marriage