The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

How to use a condom after 50

[Bob Garage]

A Welsh rugby fan, a Irish rugby fan and an English fan are all in
Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a
sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession
of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible
crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all
sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers,
they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life
imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their
trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they
could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow
each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Welsh fan was first in line, he thought for a while and then
said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the
pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When
the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and
crying with pain.

The Englishman was next up. After watching the Welshman in horror
he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 ashes before the whip went
through again and the Englishmen was soon led away wimpering loudly
(as they do).

The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything,
the Sheikh turned to him and said:
"You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is
one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Irishman
replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you
give me not 20, but 100 lashes"

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are
also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.

And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

"Tie the Englishman to my back."

[Bob Garage]

A belated Mothers Day Joke. (For you yanks Mothers Day was actually yesterday not ina week or so's time when you think it is...)


I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter.

She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All Mums know this stuff. It's on the Mummy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mummy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"Oh...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy.""

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.


Happy Mothers Day All

[Bob Garage]

Virus Warning - PLEASE TAKE NOTE!

There is a dangerous virus currently being passed electronically, orally
and by hand. This virus is called the Worm Overload Recreational Killer
(WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, boss or anyone
else via any means, DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your
private life completely!

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on, and take
2 good friends to the nearest pub. Here you should purchase a program
called Work Isolator Neutraliser Extractor (WINE). This is available in
several formats. The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift Hitting
Infiltrator Remover All Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is the more expensive
professional version. The cheaper version, which could give you some
real headaches, is known as Pro-Lite Organism Network Killer (PLONK).

Run the WINE program repeatedly until WORK has been completely
eliminated from your system. To assist in the complete eradication of
this virus, please forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have
5 friends then it is highly likely that you have already been infected,
and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is DEADLY (Destroys Every
Available Decent Living Youngster).

Update: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best
Equivalent Extractor Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but the
program will have to be run more times for the same effect.

I am available to assist with the Work Isolator Neutraliser Extractor
any time day or night. Please do not hesitate to contact me.

[Bob Garage]

Law Court Transcripts

These are things actually said in court , word for word, taken
down, and now published by court reporters who had the torment of
staying calm while these exchanges were taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------
Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15th

Q: What year?

A: Every year

________________________________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?

A: Gucci sweater and reeboks
________________________________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget

Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you've
forgotten?

________________________________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-nine, I can't remember which

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years

_________________________________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when you
woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan

__________________________________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo, or the occult?

A: We both do

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

__________________________________________________________

Q: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

__________________________________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

__________________________________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

__________________________________________________________

Q: So the date of conception of your baby was August 8th?

A: Yes

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

_________________________________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes

Q: How many were boys

A: None

Q: Were there any girls?

_________________________________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

[Bob Garage]

Our neighbour has lost her puppy and is desperate in finding him.

She does a lot of travelling and always brings her dog with her.
Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV when she
realized she hasn't seen her pup in a while and can't even begin to think
when or where she last saw him.
She has been putting up signs everywhere. (See the picture
below). If you have seen this dog, please let me know and I will notify her.
Your help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

[Bob Garage]

Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work. "Guess what, mate," says
the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar."


"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.


"Well, I invited her over to mine, we had a couple of drinks, we got into
the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off."


"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.


"I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk
next to my new laptop."


"Really? You got a new laptop?"

[Bob Garage]

Ireland Declares War on France

Jacques Chirac, the French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.


"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.


"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"


Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"


"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.


"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."


"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

[Bob Garage]

Some Observations

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

[Bob Garage]

NZ verses Aussie


A New Zealand man was having coffee and croissants with
butter and jam in a cafe when an Aussie tourist, chewing gum, sat
next to him.

The New Zealander politely ignored the Australian, who, never the
less started up a conversation.

The Australian snapped his gum and said, "You Kiwi folk eat
the whole bread?" The Kiwi frowned, annoyed with being bothered
during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

The Australian blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In Australia,
we only eat what is inside. Then we collect the crusts, recycle
them, and transform them into croissants and sell them to New
Zealand."

The Aussie had a smirk on his face. The Kiwi listened in
silence. The Aussie persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing, the Kiwi replied, "Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Aussie said, "We
don't. In Aussie, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put
all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them,
transform them into jam and sell them to New Zealand."

The Kiwi then asked, "Do you have sex in Australia?" The
Australian smiled and said, "Why of course we do." The New
Zealander leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with
the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away, of
course." says the Aussie.

"We don't, says the Kiwi. "In New Zealand, we put them in a
container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell
them to Australia. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"