The Official Joke Thread

[Fadingtoblack]

Agh, this is a politics free zone!

[Invaders]

[Fadingtoblack]

^^ Ahahaha

I mean there's letting one rip while doing situps in the gym, and then there's losing bladder control at an international event live on TV. Oh dear..

[Bob Garage]

So....
There you are,
Having a dinner party.....
Your parents are there,
Your in-laws are there,
Your boss and his wife are there,
The minister and his wife are there,
You're all settling down for a nice relaxing evening dinner,
Then in walks the dog.

[Bob Garage]

some gene pitney jokes:--


*******

Just heard on the news...

It's gonna take at least 3 weeks to get Gene Pitney's coffin made from American oak.

But only 24 hours from balsa.

*******

Preliminary results are in for Gen Pitney's post mortem. Pathologists haven't yet narrowed down the exact cause but they were able to say that something's gotten hold of his heart.

[Fadingtoblack]

> Below is an actual emergency room photo of A gentleman who lost
> >control of his motorcycle on a country road in West Virginia.
>Troopers believe that he was travelling at a speed of approximately
>75 mph at the time of the accident. He was unable to negotiate a curve
>in the road.
>
>Unfortunately for him, upon striking the ditch and being ejected from
>the bike, he landed back end first on a fencepost from an old barnyard
>fenced that was downed on the side of the road. You can probably
>picture what happened next, but the attached picture really says it all.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v310/ ... nter__.jpg

>
>This picture was obviously removed from the trooper's files without
>permission. The good news is that after about 6 months, this man
>made a full recovery after suffering a shattered hip, broken leg,
>several broken ribs, internal injuries and "soft tissue" damage.
>
>Doctors credited his recovery to the fact that the post lodged itself so
>tightly that there was little or no blood loss.

[Fadingtoblack]

LITTLE CYRIL STRIKES AGAIN....


A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the

word "fascinate" in a sentence.


Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's

farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating."


The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word

"fascinate, not fascinating".


Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City

and I was fascinated."


The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to

use the word "fascinate."


Little Cyril raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she

had been burned by Little Cyril before. She finally decided there was


no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.


Cyril said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her

tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

[Fadingtoblack]

Helping Grandma

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her
100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to
communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family
members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and
stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a
pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking
good. How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...

"They won't let me fart."

[Fadingtoblack]

RACIST JOKE ALERT!!!

A Black man goes into the doctors and says he can't stop jogging.

The doctor puts 2 lines of white powder on his desk and tells him to snort them.

This he does and he immediately stops.

"Fuck man - Is that cocaine?" says the black man.

"No" replies the doctor, "It's Omo - guaranteed to stop colours from
running".

[Fadingtoblack]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.


The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One
time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the
car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and
broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Emilie raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but
when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story
is:
"Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Emilie. Mick, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a
flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to
bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a
machine gun and a machete.

She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your
father tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f*ck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the piss."


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There, to make up for me being slack in this thread lately