The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

Alex Ferguson goes on 'Who wants to be a millionaire'.

He gets to the £500,000 question and Chris Tarrant asks him 'What animal
lives in a sett? Is it';

A Rabbit
B Cuckoo
C Sheep
D Badger

Fergie thinks for some time and says; 'that's a hard one, I'll have to
go 50:50'. Tarrant instructs the computer and Fergie is left with

B Cuckoo, and
D Badger

Fergie still isn't sure so he tells Chris; 'I' think I'll phone a
friend'. Tarrant is surprised when Fergie nominates the 'boy wonder'
Beckham to take the call.

Beckham answers the phone and is presented with the question and the 2
remaining options by Fergie. Beckham states with assured authority; It's
a badger boss'. Fergie asks if he's sure and gets confirmation from 'the
gifted one'. Fergie gives his reply to Tarrant and walks away with half
a million.

Next day in training Fergie says to Beckham; how come you were so sure
of the answer last night. Beckham said; ' that was easy boss - everyone
knows that a cuckoo lives in a clock."'

[Bob Garage]

Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six
o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the
Clifton Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below.

Posh turns to Becks and says: "David, I bet you £5,000 that he jumps!"
to which Beckham replies "£5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't."

So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure enough, the
man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes £5,000
out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh.

But she refuses. "I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth
is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going
to jump."

"No, babe, fair's fair" says David. "That money is yours fair and square
I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I
just didn't think he would do it again."

[Bob Garage]

The Manchester United players are in the dressing room on Saturday, just
before the game, when Roy Keane walks in. "Boss," he says, "there's a
problem. I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone injection." "Hey,"
says Becks. "If he's having a new car, so am I."

[Bob Garage]

David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the
kitchen department of a large department store. "What's that?" he asks.
"A Thermos flask," replies the assistant. "What does it do?" asks Becks.
The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.
Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next
training session. "Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly.
"It's a Thermos flask." The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they
ask. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, "says David. "What
have you got in it?" asks Roy Keane. "Two cups of coffee and a Choc
ice," replies David.

[Bob Garage]

Posh takes her car into a garage to have some dents removed. The
mechanic, knowing she isn't the brightest Spice Girl in the world,
decides to play a joke on her. "You don't need me to take those dents
out," he says. "Just blow up the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop
back into place". So she takes the car home and tries it.

David spots her from the house, opens a window and shouts "What are you
doing? You have to wind the windows up first!"

[Bob Garage]

David Beckham is celebrating: "57 days, 57 days!" he shouts happily.
Posh asks him why he is celebrating. He answers: "Well, I've done this
jigsaw in only 57 days." "Is that good?" asks Posh. "You bet," says
David. "It says 3 to 5 years on the box."

[Snow]

What do you call a donkey with one leg?

A wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?

A winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love?

A bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind?

A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes?

A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?

A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a Bus?

V

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F**kin' talented

[Bob Garage]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the do or reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A new Wives store has opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[Bob Garage]

A little story

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks and there were only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.

They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing...

.

.

.

.

So they buried her.

[Bob Garage]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back
and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you,
sir?"


"Yessss!" the drunk says upon seeing the cop's badge glisten in the
streetlights. "Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr!" the man replies.


The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"


"It wazzzz on the end of thisshh key," the man says, holding up his key
ring.


"About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's privates hanging out
of his fly for all the world to see.


He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"


"Oh my god! " the drunk screams after he looks down at his fly. "My
girlfriend's gone, too!"