The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind Of security for the loan
so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front Of the bank, she has the title and
everything checks out. The bank
agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at The blond
for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns,
repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire..

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"


The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my Car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[Bob Garage]

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The vicar told them, "We have
special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church.
When the vicar ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the
husband is obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" he inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex
for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
The vicar asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult.
However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to
abstain.
However, the third week was unbearable.
We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our
minds off carnal thoughts.
One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way
with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated
the vicar.
"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at B & Q, either.

[Bob Garage]

WHY?

- Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
- Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
- Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
- Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
- Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
- Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
- Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
- If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
- Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
- Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
- Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
- Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
- Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
- How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
- When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
- Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
- In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
- How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

[Bob Garage]

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5 , and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2006, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2006, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please?


reply :

Dear Sir

I also have Wife 1.0 but you should be aware that FreeSexPlus is limited to a 30-day trial and after that you have to buy RedLight 2.0 which is very expensive. Also it's almost impossible to get hold of RL2 as Wife 1.0 hogs all the bandwidth. Cleanhouse 2005 is shareware and the only way to keep it going is to do your share or you get inundated with nag-screens.

What you need to do, obviously, is obtain a couple of key software packages, that can help alleviate your problem. The first is DogWalk 3.2, which can be used to re-activate LadsNight Out, Although you need to be running MobilePhoneBatteryFailure 1.4, in order for this to work properly.

The second is GardenShedTools 5, which will enable the continued use of Playboy 6.9 and even Razzle 8, although trying to use ReadersWivesSpecial 4.3 could lead to your hardware being infected by the AmINotEnoughForYou worm.

Last, but not least, is BeautySalonVoucher 7, which, if run regularly, can clear up a whole host of other issues, such as TurboStrop and Whinge, and can lead to enhanced FreeSexPlus and FavouriteDinner 2.3. With regular updates, you may even find that Football 4.5 works, though overuse is not recommended. BeautySalonVoucher 7 is expensive, however, but well worth the investment. Especially as most people tell me that SayingILoveYouRegularly 10.6 is now so unreliable as to be downright dangerous.

Hope all this helps, and that your hardware and software can remain trouble-free; although as we all know, when Wife 1.0 is involved, nothing is guaranteed

[King_Nothing]

"So I Finished reading the dictionary.....it turns out the Zebra did it"

"It doesn't matter what temperature it is, its always room Temperature"


hahah sorry, I love that comedian!

[Bob Garage]

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She
is half discovered, half wild, and naturally beautiful with bush land
around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade
especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot,
relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina.
She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a
warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost
the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now
necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide,
quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid
climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With
a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it
is, but no one wants to go there.


The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick

[Bob Garage]

Just before the Battle of Trafalgar a conversation is overheard on the Deck of
HMS Victory:


Nelson: "Order the signal , Hardy"


Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."


Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of
this?"


Hardy: "Sorry sir?"


Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty,
regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
disability." "What gobbledygook is this?"


Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equal opportunities employer
now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be
considered racist."


Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."


Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke free
working environments."


Nelson: "In that case man open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to
steel the men before battle."


Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."


Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it.........full
speed ahead."


Hardy: "I think you will find there's is a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch
of water."


Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.
We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crows nest please."


Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."


Nelson: "What?"


Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crows nest, sir. No harness. And they
said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anybody up there
until a proper scaffolding can be erected."


Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."


Hardy: "He's busy knocking up wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."


Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never hear anything so absurd."


Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."


Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only got one arm and eye and I refuse to ever
hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the
disability card."


Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is unrepresented in the areas of
visual impairment and limb deficiency."


Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."


Hardy: "A couple of problems there to, sir. Health and safety won't let the
crew up the rigging without hard hats and sunscreen. And they don't want anyone
breathing too much salt - Haven't you seen the adverts?"


Nelson: "I've never heard of such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men
to stand by to engage the enemy."


Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."


Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"


Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they are afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers
on board, watching everyone like hawks."


Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"


Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."


Nelson: "We're not?"


Hardy: "No, Sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch
of water. We could even get hit with a claim for compensation."


Nelson: "But you must hate Frenchmen as you hate the devil."


Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that
sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary report."


Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."


Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now
put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."


Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy
and the lash?"


Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal
punishment."


Nelson: "What about sodomy?"


Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."


Nelson: "In that case.....kiss me, Hardy."

[Bob Garage]

Q. What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Poodle?
A. If a Rottweiler starts humping your leg you let him finish.

Q. What do you call and intelligent man in America?
A. A tourist.

An attractive woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

Q. How can you pick the bride at an Aboriginal wedding?
A. She wears the white thongs.

Q. What's the difference between an Aboriginal wedding and an Aboriginal funeral?
A. One less drunk

Q. What you call a New Zealander with more than one girlfriend?
A. A shepherd.

[Bob Garage]

They actually have a chili cook-off in Texas about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park.
These notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Chicago.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

[Bob Garage]

Barbara Walters filed a report on gender roles in Kuwait a
few years prior to the Gulf War, and noted then that, in
traditional Islamic fashion, women customarily walked about
10 feet behind their husbands.

Recently, Barbara returned to Kuwait and observed that the
MEN now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the Kuwaiti women for an explanation.

"This is marvelous," Barbara said. "What enabled women here
to achieve this reversal of roles?"

The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."