The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

How to speak New Zealander, for best effect, read these out aloud.

Milburn - capital of Victoria.
Peck - to fill a suitcase.
Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects.
Pigs - for hanging out washing with.
Pug - large animal with a curly tail.
Nin tin dough - video game console.
Munner stroney - soup.
Min - male of the species.
Mess Kara - eye makeup.
McKennock - person who fixes cars.
Mere - Mayor.
Leather - foam produced from soap.
Lift - departed.
Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman.
Kittle crusps - potato chips.
Ken's - Cairns.
Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim.
Jungle Bills - Christmas carol.
Inner me - enemy.
Guess - vapour.
Fush - marine creatures.
Fitter cheney - type of pasta.
Ever cardeau - avocado.
Fear hear - blonde.
Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen.
Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym.
Duffy cult - not easy.
Amejen - visualise.
Day old chuck - very young poultry.
Bug hut - popular recording.
Bun button - been bitten by insect.
Beard - a place to sleep.
Chully Bun - Esky.
Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers.
Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline.
Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests.
Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden.
One Doze - well known computer program.
Brudge - structure spanning a stream.
Sex - one less than sivven.
Tin - one more than nine.
Iggs Ecktly - Precisely.
Earplane - large flying machine.
Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport.
Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft.
Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft.
Cuds - children.
Pits - domestic animals.
Cuttin - baby cat

[Bob Garage]

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

[Bob Garage]

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go into my apartment; I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"


Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

[Bob Garage]

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the
morgue needed someone to identify the body.
His two best friends, Seamus and Sean(also Irishmen), were sent for.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. - Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't
Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought
Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over".

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't
Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into
town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes...."

[Bob Garage]

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs as soon as possible due
to very serious health risks.
As he wondered how in the heck would he ever do it, he ran across an
ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he
calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day / 10 pound weight loss
program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers,
there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young
lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign
round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
Company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a
second thought he takes off after her.
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and
has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he
thinks to himself, - "I like the way this company does business!"
The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing
happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to
find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day / 20 pound program. The
next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life,
wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
that reads,

"If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door or after her
like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch
her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.
For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his
delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost
another 20 lbs, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day
/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone.

"This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he
finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink
running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,


"If I catch you, you're mine."

[Bob Garage]

Got a new car with a voice activated mp3 stereo. I shout rock'n'roll and it plays The Rolling Stones, I shout Punk and it plays The Clash, I shout Poetry and it plays Leonard Cohen. Anyway, I was driving through town the other day and some kids ran out in front of me. I shout "Fu**ing little kids" and it played Gary Glitter.

[Bob Garage]

the 3 bears

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eatin my powidge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,
"For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.

It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.

It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.

It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.

It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.

It was Mummy Bear who set the table.

It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water.

And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE PORRIDGE YET!!!"

[Fadingtoblack]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the
table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.


After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your
duck, Cuddles, has passed away. The distressed owner wailed,"Are you sure"?


"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.


"How can you be so sure"? she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."


The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog
stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck
from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet
patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.


The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the
room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100 percent

certifiably, a dead duck."


Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he
handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead"? "The vet shrugged.
"I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but
with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now $150

An old Souix Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe
and eyeing two U.S. Government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles" asked one Official, "You have observed the white man for
90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his
progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.
The Official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the
white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and then calmly replied,
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it."
"No taxes."
"No debt."
"Plenty buffalo."
"Plenty beaver."
"Women did all the work."
"Medicine man free."
"Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing."
"Women stay home, take care of children, wash clothes and cook food.
Then the Chief leaned back and smiled,
"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $100 if
you let me have you....but the girl said NO. Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw
the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she
called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pick up
the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting
for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what
happened...... She said "The bastard used coins"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing
to it and getting screwed !

[Danallica]

How to speak New Zealander, for best effect, read these out aloud.

Milburn - capital of Victoria.
Peck - to fill a suitcase.
Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects.
Pigs - for hanging out washing with.
Pug - large animal with a curly tail.
Nin tin dough - video game console.
Munner stroney - soup.
Min - male of the species.
Mess Kara - eye makeup.
McKennock - person who fixes cars.
Mere - Mayor.
Leather - foam produced from soap.
Lift - departed.
Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman.
Kittle crusps - potato chips.
Ken's - Cairns.
Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim.
Jungle Bills - Christmas carol.
Inner me - enemy.
Guess - vapour.
Fush - marine creatures.
Fitter cheney - type of pasta.
Ever cardeau - avocado.
Fear hear - blonde.
Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen.
Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym.
Duffy cult - not easy.
Amejen - visualise.
Day old chuck - very young poultry.
Bug hut - popular recording.
Bun button - been bitten by insect.
Beard - a place to sleep.
Chully Bun - Esky.
Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers.
Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline.
Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests.
Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden.
One Doze - well known computer program.
Brudge - structure spanning a stream.
Sex - one less than sivven.
Tin - one more than nine.
Iggs Ecktly - Precisely.
Earplane - large flying machine.
Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport.
Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft.
Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft.
Cuds - children.
Pits - domestic animals.
Cuttin - baby cat

hahahaha

[Bob Garage]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"