The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

[Bob Garage]

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

[Bob Garage]

1. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

2. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going
as ghosts but as mattresses?

3. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

4. Is there another word for synonym?

5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"

6. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

7. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

8. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

9. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

10. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?

11. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

12. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?

13. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

14. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

15. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

16. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

17. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

19. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

[Bob Garage]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods that can be found today being sold in stores nationwide:

1. On Sears hairdryer:

"Do not use while sleeping."

(But..., that's the only time I have to work on my hair)


2. On a bar of Dial soap:

"Directions: Use like regular soap."

(And that would be how. . . ?)


3. On some Swanson frozen dinners:

"Serving suggestions: Defrost."

(But it's "just" a suggestion)


4. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):

"Do not turn upside down."

(Oops, too late!)


5. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

"Product will be hot after heating."

(Hmm . . . .)


6. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

"Do not iron clothes on body."

(But wouldn't this save even more time?)


7. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:

"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this

medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents

if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those

forklifts.)


8. On Nytol Sleep Aid:

"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(One would hope)


9. On most brands of Christmas lights:

"For indoor or outdoor use only."

(As opposed to underwater?)


10. On a Japanese food processor:

"Not to be used for the other use."

(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)


11. On Sainsbury's peanuts:

"Warning: Contains nuts."

(NEWS FLASH)


12. On a child's Superman costume:

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)


13. On a Swedish chain saw:

"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."

(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? . . . Good grief!)


14. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:

"Do not use on food."

(Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK, honey, just grab the Palmolive!)

[Bob Garage]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realised he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

[Bob Garage]

The Bells

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to
line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful,
big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell
attached to his weenie and they were that anyone whose bell rang when she danced
in front of them would not be ordained, because he had not reached a state of
spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no
reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the
priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.

Poor Carlos, as she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that if flew off,
across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos
quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it
up.

Then all the other bells started to ring.

[Bob Garage]

You gotta love this guy...

This is a true story about a recent wedding - it was in the local newspaper!!!

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.

He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had become suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after Finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over £32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends:...........£32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion:......................................£3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui:…..............................£8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man.........Priceless.

[Bob Garage]

After a long night of making love, a man notices a photo of

another man on his girlfriend's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks

No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your other boyfriend, then?" he continues

."No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured

"No, no, no!!!" she answers

"Well, who in the hell is he?", he demands.

"That's me before the surgery.

[Bob Garage]

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle the truth !

[Bob Garage]

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the government's suggestion that the following warning labels are to be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers.


Warning:

The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.


Warning:

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering.


Warning:

The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.


Warning:

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.


Warning:

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.


Warning:

The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that your ex lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.


Warning:

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think that you can converse with opposite sex without spitting.


Warning:

The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are smarter, tougher, faster and better looking than most people.


Warning:

The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that people are laughing WITH you.


Warning:

The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.


Warning:

The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.


Warning:

The crumsumpton of alcohol may mack you tink you kan type reel gode.