The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

Naval Retirement

The US Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an
early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of
$1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two
points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points
would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top
of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and
walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non officer grizzly old Chief who, when
asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my
weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had
received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with
him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em,"
which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of
the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied . . "Vietnam".

[JB77]

Wife: "Honey, can I have $10,000.00?"

Husband: "What do you need ten thousand dollars for?"

Wife: "I would like to get a boob job"

Husband: "I don't have that type of money, why don't you get some toilet paper and rub it in between your breasts"

Wife: "Toliet paper, that won't make them any bigger"

Husband: "Are you sure about that cause it worked on your arse"

[Bob Garage]

Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark.

Through her binoculars she could see it was Christiano Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark! The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time.

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ...... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.

On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries." She knighted them and sailed away.

As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"

"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."

"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows F*** all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up?"

[Bob Garage]

2006 New Employee Rules & Regulation


It is advised that you come to work dressed accordingly to your salary.


If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you
are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.


If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.


If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore
do not need a raise.


Sick Days


We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


Personal Days


Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.


Toilet Use


Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will
open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders
Category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under
the company's mental health policy!


Lunch Break


Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy.


Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.


Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to
drink a Slim Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and
input should be directed elsewhere.

[Bob Garage]

At the college, male & female students were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

Females wrote : When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, then, it is spiritually and morally acceptable to the society that they both engage themselves in the act of physical sex with one another.

Men wrote : 'I love sex.'

[Bob Garage]

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning where her Daddy is reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" she asks.

Father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the girl.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:
"And Tigger?"

[Bob Garage]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two Daddy Long Legs' mating.

"Daddy, what are those two insects doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the insect on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden." she said.

[Bob Garage]

Four friends who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the bathroom.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride an joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner of the company, where he owns majority of the assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

Third man said: "well my son studied in the best universities an became an engineer. Then he started his own company and now he is a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 sq ft. mansion."

The three congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the rest-room and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said : " We were talking about the pride we feel for our sons. What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay an makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said: "what a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he's lucky too. His birthday just passed the other day and he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!

[Bob Garage]

7 Types of Sex
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife/Hubby any more. She/He takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!

[Bob Garage]

Q: What's the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket?

A: A pickpocket snatches watches.