The Official Joke Thread

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Jade Goody has released a statement....
"We ain't racist...we got a coloured telly!"

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RACIST ALERT:
In keeping with the community spirit I'm going to do a stall at local school fete to help raise money.
I'm going to tie a coon to a post and sell stones and rocks.
I will call it My Brick-a-black stall

You were warned it was racist!

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God appears to a man and says he'll have to give up drinking, smoking and sex if he wants to go to heaven.
A week later God reappears and asks him how it's going.
Man says that the drink and cigarettes were easy to give up (YEAH RIGHT!) but when my wife bent over to take the meat out of the freezer I couldn't resist and had to give her one there and then.
God says that they don't like that sort of thing in Heaven, the man replies that they aren't keen on it in Asda's either!

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Two asian herion addicts injected curry powder by mistake last night and were rushed to hospital.
One fella's got a dodgy Tikka and the other is in a Korma

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Good God, what is the world coming too...First the prostitutes...now the turkeys....Is no bird safe in Suffolk?!

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Wife turns to her husband and asks "Did you know that a bull can manage sex everyday? That's 365 times a year!"
Husband replies, "Yes, but it doesn't have to f**k the same cow daily!"

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Pharmacy Notification:
As from March 1st 2007, Viagra will only be available under it's chemical name, so please ask your local chemist for mycoxaflopin.

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An African refugee is given a council house and goes to find some Emglishmen to thank for their generosity. Six hours later he's back home telling his neighbour that he met people from 83 countries, but not a single Brit amoung them.
"Oh you won't see any of them" replies the asian next door "Those daft bastards will all be at work!"

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In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into
the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any
of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had
promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled
ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his
bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things
like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced
the warm water, gently drying his
underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed
his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable
pleasure.. tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the
ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a
nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the
ATR button.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your penis is under your pillow."

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This is so touching....you won't be able to contain your tears...............

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike
through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and
inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the
elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its
face, stared at him for several tense moments

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly,
turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the
elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were
standing. The la rge bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it
down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe
summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to
the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the
railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.