The Official Joke Thread

[Bert Jan]

Yeah I learned that with my German lessons. But loved those Metdream! Hilarious

The remote control made my day

[M4ST3R M1K3]

Why do women have small feet?


So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink

[MetDream]

Yeah the remote control description was my favorite from the list!

Why do women have small feet?


So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink

I can think of other things our small feet are much more useful for but would have to delete my own post if I wrote them out....

[Snow]

BY REQUEST:
A Frenchman, An Italian and an Englishman are at a hotel.
The Frenchman says to the other two "Last night I make a love to my wife 4 times, this morning she kisses me and makes me coffee in bed"
The Italian says "lasta night, I makea love to my wife 6 times. This morning I have breakfast waiting for me"
The Englishman looks embarressed and says "last night I made love to my wife once"
The Frenchman asks "What did she say this morning?"
The English man just looks and says.....


....She said "For fucks sake GET OFF!!"

[Snow]

One day an Irishman, a Scotsman, and an Englishman were on a jungle vacation together when they were caught by a tribal group.
Before they were about to be executed, they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for mercy. She said, ''Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.'' The three men looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food

The Scotsman was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. The Queen tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of the grapes up his ass. The servants did their duty, and left the Scot lying on the ground screaming.

The Englishman was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but curiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass. The Scotsman was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass howling in pain, but the Englishman had several apples in his ass and he was laughing. He asked him ''What the hell are you laughing about?''

A laughing Englishman replied ''the Irishmans's coming back with a pineapple!''

[Snow]

Things In Football That Sound Dirty -- But Aren't

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It's a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He's got great hands.

[Snow]

PLEASE NOTE ALL THE FOLLOWING ARE REAL LIFE COMMENTRIES

'This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.'
(Ted Walsh - Horse-Racing Commentator)

"Moses Titanium - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a
few weeks ago" (David Coleman)

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the
start of the race, only exactly the opposite" (Murray Walker)

"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his
captain off!"
(RTE's George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's
substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier

With Ireland in Seville, 1992).

"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill
and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up
and give the team some brains and some common sense."

(Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991).

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and
living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country" (Ian Rush)

"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator" (John
Arlott)

"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play"
(Peter Lorenzo)

"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they
equalized" (Ian McNail)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body" (Winston
Bennett)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is
identical" (Murray Walker)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them
serious" (Alan Minter)

"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball" (John Francombe)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing
again" (Terry Venables)

'We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same timeas the Beer
Festival’ (Noel O' Mahony, Cork City boss before the game in Munich

'I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the
Premiership, but there are none better'. (Ron Atkinson).

'He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all
over their faces.' (Ron Atkinson)

'I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a
lifetime for that prat.' (Ron Atkinson)

'It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up.' (Ian Wright -
commenting on his teammate's alcoholism)

Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox
of the Oxford crew.' (Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)

'Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists.' (David
Vine)

'Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at
1500 metres.' (David Coleman)

'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
field.' (Metro Radio)

‘.... And later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs...' (Sue
Barker).

'Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of.'(David Coleman)

Dennis Pennis: 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?' Chris
Eubank: 'On what?'

'Sex is an anti-climax after that!' (Grand National winning jockey Mark
Fitzgerald.)
'Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that’ (Desmond
Lynam)

'To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch.' (Ruud Gullit)

‘Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw' (Ron Atkinson)

'For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow
strip’ (John Motson)

'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for
even longer.' (David Acfield)

'What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in
football?' (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)

'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona' (Mark Draper - Aston
Villa)

'There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing
his class' (David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)

'And for those of you who watched the last programme (Fanny and Johnny
Craddock), I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's'
(David Coleman at the start of Match of The Day)

'...and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion’ (John
Arlott)

'These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them' (Gary McCord on the
greens at Augusta)

'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before
each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them - Oh my God,
what have I just said?' (USTV commentator)

[Snow]

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others, what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

[Snow]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital When
during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was
masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why is he
doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry
that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition
where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that
at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles
could easily rupture".

Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok." commented the woman. In the
very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious that
a nurse was performing oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh
my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness but he's with Bupa"

[Kat]

BY REQUEST:
A Frenchman, An Italian and an Englishman are at a hotel.
The Frenchman says to the other two "Last night I make a love to my wife 4 times, this morning she kisses me and makes me coffee in bed"
The Italian says "lasta night, I makea love to my wife 6 times. This morning I have breakfast waiting for me"
The Englishman looks embarressed and says "last night I made love to my wife once"
The Frenchman asks "What did she say this morning?"
The English man just looks and says.....


....She said "For fucks sake GET OFF!!"

I am not sure what is the most appropriate smiley here , or

As nobody believes in me being coy, I guess it will be for my filthy mind now...