The Official Joke Thread

[Snow]

A fleeing al-Qaeda guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. He walked toward the object hoping to find water, but alas, he saw an older Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.


The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water, but would you like to buy a tie as they are only $5."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.


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Several hours later he staggered back, and near collapse said: "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

[Snow]

Office Dares ! Who is brave enough...?


ONE-POINT DARES

1.Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
2.To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
3.Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry,I really prefer it this way".
4.Walk sideways to the photocopier.
5.While going in an elevator, gasp dramatically each time the doors open.
6.When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.
7.Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy..."
8.Don't use any punctuation.
9.Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.
10.Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.


THREE-POINT DARES

1.Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2.Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
3.Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
4.Every time you get an email, shout ''email''.
5.Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6.Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, "dagnamit, it's happened again!". Then do it again.
7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as "the office bicycle". Then wink and pout.
8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can't seem to access any pornography web sites.


FIVE-POINT DARES

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you
actually launch into it yourself).
2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Dave".
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
6. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in:"The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for one hour.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!"
9. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
10. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash biscuit with your fist.
11. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
12. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
13. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
14. Hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, "I'll call you tonight".

[Snow]

A normal 50 something, having split from his latest girlfriend,
decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He
found
himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only
bananas
and coconuts.


After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he
asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"


She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here
when my cruise ship sank."


"Amazing," he said. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up
with you."


"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches, I wove the bottom from palm
branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."


"But, where did you get the tools?"


"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile
iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As
the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a
stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the
man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house,
she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please.
Would you like a drink?"


"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another
drop of coconut juice."


"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would
you like a Pina Colada?"


Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts and they sit down
on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going
to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower
and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet."


No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed
to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel
mechanism.


"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to
sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been
out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure
you really feel like doing right now,
something you've been longing for?"


She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing.

"You mean...", and he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his
eyes.........


"Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports"

[Snow]

Apparently lifted from genuine American High School English papers but don't believe it for a minute...Still made me chuckle though

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

[Snow]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

[Snow]

The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s - 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 60, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

[Snow]

Thats enough for now, I will have to go through the rest of the emails Bob Garage has sent me!

[Snow]

RACIST ALERT (Again!)

63 Pakistani's died this morning in Bradford. It was not a terrorist attack a bunk bed collapsed. They are blaming the extremists AL-IKEA!

[Snow]

My letter from Ann Summers shop


From Ann Summers Ltd:
Ref your order for the large red vibrator as displayed on our shop wall, please re-order as this item is a fire extinguisher and may cause your wife discomfort.

[Snow]

RACIST ALERT (I spend far too much time typing that you may have noticed )
A journalist sees a dog mauling a boy. A man runs over and chokes the dog to death.
"Thats amazing, I will run a story tomorrow" said the journalist.
"BLACK MAN SAVES BOY"

"I'm not black" says the man
"well" replied the writer "WHAT ABOUT INDIAN MAN SAVES DAY"
"I'm not Indian, I'm Pakistani" says the man.

Headline in next days paper:
PAKI BASTARD KILLS FAMILY PET!