The Official Joke Thread

[fey-metallica]

<Teegan> orgasum
<Stressball> theres no U in orgasm
<Stressball> haha
<Stressball> sounds like an anti-rape slogan


<Sin> MICHAEL JACKSON DIED TODAY!
<Vincent> WHAT!? how?
<Sin> acute food poisoning
<Sin> he ate some 12 year old nuts


<Python> Did you fall from a shooting star?
<silly_girlie> hehe
<silly_girlie> ahh sure why not
<GLT23> because your face looks like it slammed into earth at 1500 mph? is that the end of the pickup line?


<s1um>after meeting a few girls on myspace, i think they need to put a warning on the site that says "objects on screen are larger than they appear"


<Chris> man.. i've got such a bad cold, I keep gettin nosebleeds. it's awful
* Joins #aesir: -Mike0r-
<Chris> I mean, last night.. I blew my load into a tissue right
<Chris> but it just started bleeding...
<Chris> I had to pinch it to stop it, cos it bleeds for ages
<Chris> I swear one day it'll happen and i'll die from blood loss
* Quits: -Mik0r- (Quit: what. the. fuck. note to self, don't ever hang out with you guys.. ever)
<Dan> ehh

[Snow]

Dedicated to Kat

Girls Night Out - Why females should
avoid a girls night out after they are married:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around
3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realising my husband would probably wake up,
I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally
smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him,
"Midnight".

He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

Then I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "Oh, shit.", cuckooed four more times,
cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed
twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[Snow]

One official said to him, "You have observed the white man for 90 years.

You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his
progress, and the damage he has done." The elder nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"

The Elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute, and
then he calmly replied: "When white man found the land, Aboriginals were
running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty kangaroo, Plenty fish, Women did
all the work, Medicine man free, Aboriginal man spent all day hunting
and fishing, All night having sex."

Then the elder leaned back and smiled before he added, "Only white man
bloody stupid enough to think he could improve system like that."

[Snow]

George Bush is visiting the Queen of England.

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty...."

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"

"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[Snow]

Vanilla Pudding Robbery???

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which
appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.


Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling
the
security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to
find
one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to
see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found
only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least
we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing
more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The next morning the newspaper headline read:
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IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...

[wolfway]

not really a joke, and probably most of you have already seen it, but anyway check this out

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBZs8Tr3W1s

ahahahah

[Luís]

Vanilla Pudding Robbery???
(...)

Great

[Snow]

NEW YORK, NY - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F.
Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a
calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did
not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying
weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by
means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of
absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to
themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval evil with coordinates in every
quadrant. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are
three sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they
could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the
president.

[Snow]

Halloween Phrases That Sound Dirty

She's a goblin!
I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
Let me see your bag . . . Oh! You're having a great night!
Just get on your hands and knees, and bob your head.
She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
Show me your Jujubes and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth...
You scared me stiff!
He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

[Snow]

A dwarf with a lisp goes to a stud farm to buy a horse, "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse ?" asks the owner. "A female horth", the dwarf replies and so the owner takes him to his finest mare. "Nithe horth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyth?". The owner patiently picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's eyes. "Nithe eyth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?". Again, the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth. "Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's ears. "Nithe eerth", says the dwarf, "Can I see her twot?" With this, the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina and holds him there for a few seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.


The dwarf shakes his head and says,


"Perhaps I should weefwaze that, can I see her wun awound?"