The Official Joke Thread

[Snow]

Xenophobia Alert (look that one up then )

An officer in the U.S. Naval Reserve was attending a conference that included admirals from both the U.S. Navy and the French Navy. At a cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that included personnel from both navies.

The French Admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked, "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you speak French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it is because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you would not have to speak German." The group became silent.

[Bob Garage]

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company
very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place,
where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session
in bed together.


Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and
snuggled up close to each other. After a short while, Sharon began tenderly
stroking Peter's manhood.


Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready
for more already?"


Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and
I miss the days when I had mine."

[Bob Garage]

Horny Wife
A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.

She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a Lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

"Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your underwear!"

[Bob Garage]

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. Coli) bacteria found in faeces.


In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poo. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.


WATER = Poo


WINE = HEALTH


Ergo: It is better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of crap.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information; I am doing it as a public service!!!

[Bob Garage]

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to Human Resources. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget !

[MetDream]

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Blondes," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Booboo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder."

St. Peter said, "Verrrrry good."


Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."


St. Peter fainted.

[MetDream]

Some guys are trading incredible stories in a bar when one of them pulls a miniature grand piano out of his pocket and sets it down on the bar. Next he produces a little man about a foot high from his other pocket and sets him down on the bar. The tiny man sits down at the piano, and immediately starts playing the minute waltz.

Upon the insistence of the other patrons in the bar, the man tells how he was walking on the beach when he spotted a bottle that had washed up on shore. Once open, the bottle produced a cloud of green smoke from which appeared a genie. The genie promised the man that he could have anything that he wanted. "But he must of been hard of hearing" the man said sadly, "'cause he gave me this twelve-inch pianist!"

[Bob Garage]

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Cos he kneaded a poo

[Bob Garage]

Why do women have legs?

Have you seen the mess snails make!!!

[Bob Garage]

How do you get one old women to shout c*nt?

Get another to shout bingo first.