The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

How do stop a randy dog humpy your leg?

Suck it's cock.

[Bob Garage]

A Teacher is reading a story to her class of infants, when she notices a wet patch all around a little girl.
Teacher: Oh! Katie, why didn't you put your hand up?
Katie: I did Miss! But it trickled through my fingers.

[Bob Garage]

What did the KGB have in common with oral sex?
One slip of the tongue and you're in the shit.

[Bob Garage]

A pregnant woman was walking down the road, past a bank, when a bank robber burst out. Terrified, he shot the woman three times in the stomach. As she was recovering in hospital, she gave birth to three boys.

10 years later, one of the boys ran up to his mum and said "Mummy mummy! I just pissed out a bullet." "Oh" she said

5 minutes later, another of her boys came up to her and said "Mummy mummy! I just pissed out a bullet!" "Oh" she said, getting slightly worried.

Another 5 minutes later, the other boy came up and said "Mummy mummy!" She interrupted and said, "Let me guess, you just pissed out a bullet." "No, I was having a wank and I shot the cat!"

[Bob Garage]

Mummy Mummy Can I lick the bowl? No you horrible bastard pull the chain like a normal person.

[Bob Garage]

New Machine at Tesco


One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him "My
elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a
diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer
will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and
only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get
Club card points".


So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.

He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.


Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in Two
weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new Technology was, Jack began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and "pleasured
himself" into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction and awaited the results.

The computer printed the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant with Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your Elbow will never get
better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

[Frantiic]

Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better programmer. This went on for days until they agreed to hold a contest with God as the judge. They sat at their computers and began.

They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset, and cried, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," God said, "Let us see if Jesus did any better."

Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers. Satan was astonished. He stuttered, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckled, "Jesus saves"


haha

[Luís]

Great

[Bob Garage]

****** Humourous yet sick joke about Virginia Tech******
LOOK AWAY NOW THOSE WHO ARE EASILY OFFENDED
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What do Virginia Tech and Antartica have in common?

They're both minus 33 today.

[Bob Garage]

Pakistan have chosen a new cricket coach - Gladstone Small. Try strangling him!