The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

When the farmer drove up the next day, he said, "Sorry son, but I have some
bad news... the donkey is on my truck, but he's dead."

Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "I can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Gordon said, "OK then, just unload the donkey anyway".

The farmer asked, "What are ya gonna do with him?"

Gordon said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

To which the farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

But Gordon, with a big smile on his face, said "Sure I can. Watch me. I
just won't tell anybody that he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened with
that dead donkey?"

Gordon said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece
and made a huge profit"

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had
stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"

And Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead
was the raffle winner, when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his
£2 back plus £200 extra, which is double the going value of a donkey, so he
thought I was a great guy."

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and
no matter how many times he lied or how much money he stole from British
voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them
thought he was a great guy.

Enjoy your 2p tax cut!

[Bob Garage]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said
to his priest,"I almost had an affair with another
woman."The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"The
Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and
rubbed Together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as
putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For
your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the
poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said
his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He
paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him
saying, "I saw that.You didn't put any money in the
poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed
the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the
same as putting it in!"

[Bob Garage]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle
and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll
be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can
pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.


"Tray-up, Bitch."

[Bob Garage]

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I
noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The
teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,
orange and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find
the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the
matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once
and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my
son."

[Bob Garage]

One for the ladies.......

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.


The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed


P....

E....

N....

I....

S....


His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:


*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***

[Bob Garage]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra". It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.

Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But as sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

[Bob Garage]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm,

his mother asks if he has done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does His chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and

his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon

for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[Bob Garage]

The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters.

The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is Evans and that he's somewhere in Wales. If you think you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.' If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'"

So the spy hunter goes to Wales and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the barman, "Maybe you can help me. I'm looking for a guy named Evans."

The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Evans. There's Evans the Baker, who runs the bakers shop on the next block. There's Evans the Banker, who's manager of our local bank. There's Evans the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Evans, too."

Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on the barman, so he says, "The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning."

The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Evans the Spy. He lives right down the street on the left."

[Doin]

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative
stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer,
"I need to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder."

The Agriculture representative said, "Mr. I have the authority of the U.
S. Government with me. See this card ? This card means I am allowed to go
WHEREVER I wish on any agricultural land....no questions asked or
answered. Do you understand ?"


The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, he
heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture Rep running for
the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge horned prize bull. The
bull was madder than a nest full of hornets.
The bull was gaining on the Rep at every step.


The Old farmer called out, "Show him your card ! Show him your card !"

[Doin]

Funny (painful) Japanese game show...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sj4yM5pW24