The Official Joke Thread

[Doin]

Colonel Angus

http://youtube.com/watch?v=YYoM481QE4A

[Bob Garage]

The Good Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something
wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees

is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on
the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a
kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove,
I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked
his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I
have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm
married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.


PRICELESS

[MasterSandman II]

Expensive Perfume

A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"

[Bert Jan]

Pretty long read but definately worth it:

AUSTRALIA GETS DRUNK, WAKES UP IN NORTH ATLANTIC
Tired of Being Isolated and Ignored, Continent Isn't Bloody Moving

After what witnesses described as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic.
current location of australia

"Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.

According to Australians and residents of several countries destroyed or lewdly insulted during the continent's nearly 7,000-mile saltwater stagger, the binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where several patrons were discussing Australia Day and the nation's general lack of respect from abroad.

"It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer is funnier than Seinfeld, only they're Aussies so no one knows about 'em," recalled witness Kevin Porter. "Then this bloke Martin pipes up and says Australia's main problem is that it's stuck in Australia, and everybody says 'Too right!'"

"Well, it made sense at the time," Porter added.



By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into the central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-away in its wake.

When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly found itself, not only upside down, but smack in the middle of the Atlantic, and according to most of its 19 million inhabitants, that's the way it's going to stay.

"We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have huge government scandals. You never hear about it. It's all 'America did this,' and 'Europe says that,'" exclaimed Perth resident Paul Watson. "Well, we're right in the thick of things now, so let's just see if you can you ignore us."
former location of australia


Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be difficult. "They broke Florida," said U.S. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher. "And most of Latin America is missing."

Meanwhile, victims of what's already been dubbed the "Australian Crawl" are still shaking off the event.

"Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time," said Hawaii governor Ben Cayetano. "They were very friendly — they always seem friendly — but they refused to go around unless we answered their questions. But the questions were impossible. 'Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any Tim Tams? What day is Australia Day?'"

"Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar and we aced the last one," Cayetano added.

Panama, however, was not so lucky.

"Australia came through here screaming curses at us to let them through," said Ernesto Carnal, who guards the locks at the entrance to the Panama Canal. "We said they would not fit, so they demanded to speak with a manager. When I go to find Mr. Caballos, they sneak the whole continent through."

When Caballos shouted to the fleeing country that it had not paid, Australia "accidentally" backed up and took out every nation in the region, as well as the northern third of Venezuela. They then made up a cheery song about it.

By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite so blithe. "We've still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland," said Australian army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. "I think we might have declared war on it. I don't bloody remember. Maybe it's time to go home."
Buy SatireWire's new book!

Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S., African, and European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate for Australia's withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were not making it easy. In a two-hour meeting at midday, Australian representatives listed their demands: immediate inclusion in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, a permanent CNN presence in all 6 Australian states, a worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan, a primetime U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football, and a 4,500-mile-long bridge between Sydney and Los Angeles.

U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian Rules Football request "absurd."

[Doin]

First Aid Aussie Style
> >
> >
> > A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.
> >
> > After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real
distress.
> >
> > And two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to

> > Look at her.
> >
> > "Kin ya swaller?", asked Kenzie.
> >
> > The woman signalled "No!", desperately shaking her head.
> >
> > "Kin ya breathe?", asked Brian.
> >
> > The woman shook her head No!!!
> >
> > With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her
> > dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down her
bum.
> >
> > This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the
> > obstruction Flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
> >
> > Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
> >
> > Brian said in admiration, "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody
> > Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody
> > do it.

[Bob Garage]

The Monks

A man is driving down a country road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, show him to a room, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."


Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."
The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find the answer to these questions, you will have become a Monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for.
By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has now become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound.....


But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk.

[Bob Garage]

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The attendant spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.

He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what I should to do with them, but haven't got a clue."

The attendant ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo!"

"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The attendant sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo?"

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I'm taking them to the beach."

[Bob Garage]

quite possibly the best e-cards site ever!

http://www.someecards.com/

[Doin]

Dr Alan had slept with one of his patients and felt really guilty. No matter how much he tried, the sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal reassuring voice say 'Alan don't worry about it, you aren't the first Doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last, and you're single, just let it go. But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality whispering 'Alan you're a fuckin vet'

[Bob Garage]

A guy buys a new bike, a beautiful Harley. The salesman says
"to keep the chrome in the best condition, just make sure
that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub
Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In
fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of
Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the
buyer a tube of Vaseline.

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his
girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going
to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When
the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her
boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I got to tell you something about my
parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do
the dishes, nobody has said anything for over 3 months."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the
living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. Piled up the stairs,
dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take
advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his
girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over
and starts to touch her. He looks at her parents, but still
they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and
they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says
a word.

Thinking, just how far can he take this. So he grabs his
girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the
dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend
realises it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take
care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his
pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all
right! I'll do the damn dishes."