The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish
captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown
together
and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbour, that's why!"

"No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!
That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the co-pilot
suddenly announces.

"Why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic."

"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an
iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg...... no mattah...alla same."

[Doin]

Another mystery solved.

How does the small arrow in the screen of the computer work when we move the mouse?

Haven't you ever wondered how it works?

Now, through the miracle of the high technology, we can see how it's done.

With the aid of a screen magnifying lens the mechanism becomes apparent.

Go to: http://www.1-click.jp/ - After it loads, move your cursor to the center of the page. When the circle appears, move the cursor around. Mystery solved.


It's even funnier when you stop moving your mouse afterward.

[Bob Garage]

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result.
This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has gotten it right - including me.
============================================================ =========================


A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know.
She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be just that!
She fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.


A few days later she killed her sister.


Question: What is her motive in killing her sister? (Give this some thought before you answer).


SCROLL DOWN


AND AGAIN


FURTHER


STILL FURTHER


NEARLY THERE


Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.


If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.


This was designed by a famous American Psychologist to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.


Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.


If you didn't answer the question correctly good for you.


If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my email list unless that will tick you off, then I'll just be


extra nice to you from now on.


Be sure to share the test.

[Bob Garage]

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Manchester United Players on them ... and people
couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What do you call 20 Manchester United Fans skydiving from an aeroplane?
A: Diahorrea

Q: What do you call a Man Utd season ticket holder?
A: Scenery...

Q: What do Manchester United Fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What's the difference between listening to Alex Ferguson's after-match
interview and childbirth?
A: One's an extremely painful almost unbearable experience, and the other
one's just having a baby.

Q: What have Man Utd and a 3-pin plug got in common?
A: They're both bugger-all use in Europe.

[sjmike]

Replacement Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had not paid for them yet.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year"!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.

Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.

[Bob Garage]

Steve McLaren was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" to which the old lady replied, "no way you got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!"

[Bob Garage]

Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck. All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition. He writes, "Manchester City fan saves friend from vicious animal." The boy interrupts: "But I'm not a City fan." The reporter starts again: "Manchester United fan saves friend from horrific attack." The boy interrupts again: "I'm not a United fan either." The reporter asks: "Who do you support, then?" "Liverpool," replies the boy. So the reporter starts again: "Scouse b*****d kills family pet"

[Bob Garage]

A Liverpool fan, an Arsenal fan and a Man Utd. were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Arsenal fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Man Utd. fan was next up (he almost finished a half-can), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Liverpool fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Liverpool fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave. "The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Please tie the Man Utd. fan to my back."

[Bob Garage]

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked
how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and
without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and
play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said "Lets do it! We'll make it a
priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the
golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife
such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says " I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the
cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says, "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car,
reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like
they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I
slapped my wife on the butt and said, "Well babe, Merry Christmas, its a
great morning for sex or golf"

...............and she said,
"Take a sweater"........

[Bob Garage]

An American tourist in London was desperate to take a leak. After a long search he couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," replied the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."