The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.


Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger? No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me.

What makes you think that? I got proof.


What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.


I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover".

[Doin]

Scouse Fireman Sam...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0k2ybVk_AZ8

[Bob Garage]

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) hit Nuneaton &
Bedworth in the early hours of Sunday with its
epicentre in Camp Hill.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly,
muttering "Foooockinel, where's the buuuuuuzzzz".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately
£30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from
Majorca, the Costa Del Sol and Corfu were damaged
beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.
Many locals were woken well before their giros
arrived. Mercia Sound reported that hundreds of
residents were confused and bewildered and were still
trying to come to terms with the fact that something
interesting had happened in Nuneaton.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 17-year-old
mother of 4 said, "It was such a shock, my little
Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom
crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and
Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still
shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the
next morning."

Apparently burglaries, muggings and car crime were
unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000
crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the
stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching
through the rubble and have found large quantities of
personal belongings, including benefit books,
jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China
from Poundland.


HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing
parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up
in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after -
items most needed include:

· Fila or Burberry baseball caps
· Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
· Shell suits (female)
· White sport socks
· Rockport boots
· Any other items usually sold in New Look.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed
all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:

· Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice
cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a
biro for filling in the compensation forms.
· £2 buys chips, crisps and rola cola for a
family of 9.
· £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves
of those affected.


**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in
raspberry alco-pop.
'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked.
"Stockingford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv
you?

[damageinc]

It's not a written joke but look at this pretty clever "blonde-brunette" chick!

[Master_Of_Metal]

Hahaha thats a new one for me damageinc

[sebbe19]

It's not a written joke but look at this pretty clever "blonde-brunette" chick!

Haha, good one!

[Bob Garage]

The vending machine

A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which showed the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.'

"Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... Which now had a button sewn on the end.

[Bob Garage]

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to
repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469-399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him
excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of
your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass
a little test.

It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my
student, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first
filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to
tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are
about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him,
even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued.

"You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the
filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student
going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True
nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great
philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

[Bob Garage]

This is an actual letter sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph...

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your "Always" maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!


The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you fuc*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. Andthat's a promise I will keep.

Always.


Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

[Bob Garage]

Understanding Engineers - Take One
==================================
Two engineering students were walking across a university
campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along
yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this
bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what
you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly and said,
"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you
anyway."


Understanding Engineers - Take Two
==================================
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers - Take Three
====================================
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning
for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes?
We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen
such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper.
Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead
of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind
firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment."
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a
special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Four
===================================
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build
targets.


Understanding Engineers - Take Five
===================================
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Six
==================================
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many
thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
=====================================
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features
yet.