The Official Joke Thread

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Whats the difference between PMT & BSE?
One attacks the cow's brain and sends it fucking mental - the other is an agricultural problem

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There is a new hire car in Portugal.
Its a small car and if you can't get all your kids inside, you can fit one in the boot....
It's called the Renault McCann!

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I have been involved in a terrible accident. I ran into three asians crossing on a zebra crossing.
One went through the windscreen, the second dented my bonnet and the third got knocked 200 yards up the road.
The police have been great though, One has been charged with Breaking & Entering, one for criminal damage and the other with Leaving The Scene Of An Accident!

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Big gay Simon goes to the Doctors to get his test results back.
The doc says "I'm sorry, but you have aids"
Simon is devastated and asks the doc what can he do.
"Well you can go home and eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts 40 peanuts a box of All Bran cereal and wash it down with a gallon of prune juice"
"Will that cure me?" asks Simon
"Nope, but at least you'll know what your arse is for!"

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A Rich man and a poor man are buying gifts for their wives birthdays.
The rich man says "I have got my wife a BMW and Diamond Ring, that way if she doesn't like the ring she can take it back in her new BMW"
The poor man replies
"I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo, that way if she doesn't like the slippers she can fuck herself!"

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A little girl ran crying to her mom asking for a glass of cider
"What do you want cider for?" asks mom
"I've cut my hand on a thorn" says the little girl
"So why the cider?" asks mom
"Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand she can't wait to get it in cider!"

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I thought I would lump these together:

Whats the difference between Colin McRae & Freddie Mercury?
Only two men went down on McRae's chopper!

Collin McRae's family have requested no flowers at the funeral...they just want everyone to Rally around

I am well pissed off, I spent £60 on a computer game and it keeps on crashing
Fucking Colin McRae Helicopter simulator is rubbish!

Foot and Mouth found in Scotland. Strathclyde chief of police says they are still searching for the rest of Colin McRae

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Mary's lamb had foot & mouth,
her cow had B.S.E.
But mary was a kinky slut
and gave them H.I.V.

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Scotland yard issued a statement this morning:
A man has been found wearing a Chelsea shirt, womens underwear, fishnet stockings & suspenders with a sex toy up his rear.
Police have removed the Chelsea shirt to save embarresment to the family

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Jose Mourinho has said that he wants to go back to Portugal and never be seen in England again....Kate and Gerry McCann have offered to help