The Official Joke Thread

[damageinc]

Jose Mourinho has said that he wants to go back to Portugal and never be seen in England again....Kate and Gerry McCann have offered to help

Ohohoho man, ROFL.

[Doin]

TRUE AUSSIE BLOKE

It's the AFL football Grand final and a man makes his way to his seat

right on the wing.

He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.


He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.


"No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." This is incredible", said

the man.

"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for AFL Grandfinal

and not use it?"


The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was

supposed to come

with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first AFL Grand final

we haven't

been to together since we got married in 1967."


"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find

someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the

seat?"


The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."

[nuno_m]

Three tomatoes are walking down the street - a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says: "Catch up!"

[MetDream]

*INTERNATIONAL THINKING*

*AT ITS BEST!*

*Question:* *What is the truest definition of Globalization?*

*Answer:* *Princess Diana's death.*

*Question:* *How come?*

*Answer:* *An English princess*

*with an Egyptian boyfriend*

*crashes in a French tunnel,*

*driving a German car*

*with a Dutch engine,*

*driven by a Belgian who was drunk*

*on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change
the spelling)*

*followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,*

*on Japanese motorcycles;*

*treated by an American doctor,*

*using Brazilian medicines.*

*This is sent to you by an American,*

*using Bill Gate's technology,*

*and you're probably reading this on your computer,*

*that use**s* *Taiwanese chips,*

*and a Korean monitor,*

*assembled by Bangladeshi workers*
*in a Singapore plant,*

*transported by Indian lorry-drivers,*

*hijacked by Indonesians,*

*unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,*

*and trucked to you by Mexican illegal.....*

*That, my friends, is Globalization*

[MetDream]

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,
THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN COULD YOU AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS HE SAYS.

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...............................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

[MetDream]

60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier ! than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

[MetDream]

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true.

[nuno_m]

Q: There's a black guy and a nigger in a car, who's driving?
A: The cop

[damageinc]

*Cough cough* racism?!

[FBM]

That's what came in my mind first, too.
It's not really funny