The Official Joke Thread

[damageinc]

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

^ True!

[Bob Garage]

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going
home, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, His wife really got on
his case and stayed on it.

After a couple of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and
pointed at him and made him an offer "How would you like it if you
didn't see me for a couple of days?!?"

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and
said,

"That would suit me just fine!!"

Monday went by and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday
went by and he still didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling had gone down a bit and he could see her a
little, out of the corner of his left eye.

[MetDream]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint
king a joint, come up and have some."


So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala

where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry"

and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far

over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and

helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,

"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he

was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,

got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked

into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was

sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

"Hey you!"

So the koala looked down at him and said,


"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude.....

How much water did you drink?!!"

[Bob Garage]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit
one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell
to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
Although he was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants
and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for
several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?


He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

[ColdmetalMuse]

XD

[damageinc]

The newly trained regiment is ready for Iraq

[Bob Garage]

A topical football joke for this weekend....

The Doctor Who Cup Semi-Finals

In the first episode of the new BBC series, the Doctor and his new assistant Mark Lawrenson travel to a futuristic stadium in North London to investigate the strange case of two football teams from the 1950s meeting in a modern FA Cup Semi-Final. The Doctor suspects that an alien force is manipulating time and space to bring teams back from the past, to distract the populace so that they can invade London and enslave the world. Mark, meanwhile, insists simply that the bigger clubs no longer care about the Cup while they're still in Europe.

A 2-parter, in tomorrow's second episode the Doctor's suspicions deepen when two teams from the Edwardian era arrive to contest the second Semi.

[Bob Garage]

5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what they liked best about "Oral Sex":


a.. 3% liked the warmth.

b.. 4% enjoyed the sensation.

c.. 93% appreciated the silence

[Bob Garage]

Evolution of British Maths teaching

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of £20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. )

6. Teaching Maths 2018
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

[Bob Garage]

Two couples had gone away for the week-end. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to have a bit of partner swapping for the night.....

The guys have agreed that if they can pull off the wife swap, when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoon on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives. Clever enough!

After several drinks that night they succeed! Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile.

The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hungover and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug.

After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the nutella.