The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and
as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your
heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll
forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your
elbow, I'm in Room 221.'

[Bob Garage]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband
starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and
says I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later,
he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a
dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

[Bob Garage]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh,Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.

"Yes, I did." he replied.

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

[Bob Garage]

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one
morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty
years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast
table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were
probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty
years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered 'Let's relive some
old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff
and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady
breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for
you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.

'One's in your coffee and the other is in
your porridge.

[Bob Garage]

Buy or Rent?


Just check the maths on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce.


After 5 years of marriage, he paid her £25 million.

Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship, it ends up
costing him £13,700 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court costs.


On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges £3,250 an
hour...........still sounds a ridiculous amount doesn't it ?

But...

Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid £5.9 million
for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of £19.1 million).

Value-added benefits are: A 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never
a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs around you, no bitching
and complaining or "to do" lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and
comes back the next day, ready for another round. All at a 1/4 of the cost,
with no legal fees.

[Bob Garage]

Women; 1 engaged / 1 married / 1 a mistress, having coffee, start talking about their relationships and decide to amaze their men........That night they agree to wear a leather bodice, stiletto's & a mask over their eyes.


After a few days they meet up again.......

The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me wearing a leather bodice, 12cms stilettos & mask over my eyes. He saw me, he said ' you are the woman of my dreams, I love you' .... We then made love all night long.

The mistress: Ah ! Me too, the other night I met my lover at work in his office, and I too was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat........ He did not speak, he just kissed me all over then we made wild passionate love for hours !!!

The married woman: Well the other night, I packed the kids off to my mothers for the night. I got my self ready in the leather bodice, super stilettos & the mask covering my eyes. My husband came in from home, took one look and said.....' Hi Batman, what's for Dinner ?' !!!!!!!!!!

[Bob Garage]

A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.
His wife replies 'You've got a bigger dick than your brother'

[Bob Garage]

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground.
As he's making love to her the Rev Mother comes in.
'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'

[Bob Garage]

What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?
The McCartneys
But really we shouldn't make fun of macca. After all will he ever find another woman to fill her shoe?

[Bob Garage]

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.


In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.


'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked
the solicitor.


Seamus responded:'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'


'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'JustAnswer the
question.


Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'


Seamus said, 'Well,I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was


driving down the road....'


The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to


establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told


the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after


the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.


Please tell him to simply answer the question.'


By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and


said to the solicitor:'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his


favourite cow,Bessie'.


Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had


just loaded Bessie,my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving


her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop


sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch


and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and


didn't want to move.


However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was


in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a


policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and


groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her


condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.


Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at


me, and said, 'Howare you feeling?'


'Now what the F*ck would you say?'