The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

Comments made in the year 1955!
And that's only 53 years ago!

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'


'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2, 000.00 will only buy a used one.'


'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.


'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'


'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'


'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'


'Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.'


'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it! seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.'


'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas '


'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'


'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.'


'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.'

!
'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.'


'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.'


'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.'


'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.'


'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.'


'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'


'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for! a hair cut, forget it.'

[Bob Garage]

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. 'A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy ribeye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'

He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra... I'm still not hungry.'

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving!

[Bob Garage]

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction.
In my script it clearly said: "Enter Juliette from the rear."

[dylanfree]

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.'
'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.'
Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda.
Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.

So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.
Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless.
'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'Just for that, I'm not f*cking going.'

[Bob Garage]

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[Bob Garage]

An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West
African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his
penis
and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the
penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife
looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African string-and-weight
procedure?

'The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, 'How is our little tribal
experiment coming along?'

'Well, it looks like we're about half way there,' he replied.

'Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?'

'No, it's turned black.'

[Bob Garage]

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?'' ''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.''

[Bob Garage]

An Italian Boy's Confession


'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capell i?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and
I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar
boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'4 months vacation and five good leads.'

[Bob Garage]

Three old men were sitting around and talking.

The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 am sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am."

[Bob Garage]

A man asks his friend, "What's the most common French expression?"

His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"