The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A woman walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, then
spots the perfect car - a BMW M3 and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart
escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around
nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and
hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around,
there standing next to her is a salesman.
'Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?'
Very uncomfortably she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?'
He answers, 'Madame, if you farted just touching it, you
are going to crap yourself when you hear the price!'

[Bob Garage]

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.

Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit.

[Bob Garage]

Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes
Were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one.
As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and
Was so ashamed, Grandma didn't know her occupation. Grandma stopped to say
Hi and asked what the line was for.
Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges
To those waiting.
Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.
When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed.

He said, 'How the heck do you do this at your age?'
She said, 'I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck 'em
Dry!'
The policeman fainted.

[MetDream]

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

[MetDream]

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.

[Bob Garage]

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all and beginning to fray so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall to their deaths.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping...

[Bob Garage]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for;
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my;
driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and;
realized I had left my wallet at home.;

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home;
and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.;
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said,;
'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she;
processed my Social Security application.;

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at;
the Social Security office.;
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have;
gotten disability, too.';

And then the fight started.....;

[Bob Garage]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,;
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat;
alone at a nearby table.;

My wife asked,' Do you know her?';
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to;
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear;
she hasn't been sober since.';

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on;
celebrating that long?';

And then the fight started.....;

[Bob Garage]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.....

[Bob Garage]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three
likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see
what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over.
She goes to a fancy beauty salon
gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up
very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more
attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer,
and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she
has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and
reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to
save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then,
he married the one with the biggest boobs