The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even
some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I
should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the oppositiondoesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces. '

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the
British crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere.It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

[Bob Garage]

A cowboy walks into a bar, a few miles west of Brokeback Mountain, and, after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.

'What the hell,' he says to himself, 'I really want a drink.'

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, '

What's the name of your 'willy'?'

The cowboy says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.'

The gay waiter says, I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your 'willy'.

Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'

That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, 'Hey bud, what's the name of yours?'

The man looks back and says with a smile, 'TIMEX.' The thirsty cowboy asks, 'Why Timex?' The fella proudly replies,

' 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!''
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says,

'So, what do you guys call yours?'

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, 'FORD', because ''Quality is Job One.' Then he adds, 'Have you driven a Ford lately?'

The guy next to him then says, 'I call mine CHEVY, 'Like a Rock!' And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, 'The name of my 'willy' is SECRET. Now give me a beer.'

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, 'Why Secret?'

The cowboy says, 'Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN

[Bob Garage]

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase

The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you
want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora, the gardener did."

[Bob Garage]

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather
sitting
on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing
on
from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for
everyone
to see!" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without
answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the
waist?" he asked again.


The old man slowly looked at him and said "Well...last week I sat out
here
with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's
idea.

[Bob Garage]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't
live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a
bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and
picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling
outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire
purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old
lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how
to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very
close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this
lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint
in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken
under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk
the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down
this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that
when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall,
pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket,
a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world
could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

[Bob Garage]

A manager at Wal Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!

[Fadingtoblack]

Anyone who posts the next reply except for Bob Garage gets deleted! Call it abuse of power or whatever, but he deserves it for keeping the thread going so long!

[Bob Garage]

Anyone who posts the next reply except for Bob Garage gets deleted! Call it abuse of power or whatever, but he deserves it for keeping the thread going so long!

only the best threads last 4+ years and 50+ pages!!!

[Bob Garage]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

[Bob Garage]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of
his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this
first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand,
but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
arm pit and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."