The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A British anthropologist was doing field research in an isolated African village, when a tribal chief asked if he would like to be his guest at a legal trial he was conducting later that day.

- "We have copied your country's legal procedures from what we have read in the accounts of many English trials in your newspapers, and incorporated them into our judicial system." proudly stated the chief.

- When the Brit arrived at the wooden courthouse, he was amazed to see how closely the African court officials tried to resemble those of England.
The counsels were suitably attired in long black robes and the traditional white powdered wigs worn by all British jurists. Each argued his case with eloquence and in proper judicial language.

- But he was puzzled by the occasional appearance of a bare-breasted native girl running through the crowd waving her arms frantically.

- After the trial, the anthropologist congratulated his host on what he had seen and then asked, "What native purpose does the semi-nude woman signify running through the courtroom during the trial?"

- "I really don't know", confessed the Chief, "but in all the accounts we read in the British papers about trials in the Royal Courts, there was invariably something mentioned about "an excited titter" running through the gallery".

[Bob Garage]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.'

The girl looked at him and then said, 'NO.'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast.. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend; she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened?'

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed

[Bob Garage]

Doctors never laugh ?

Bob goes to see the doctor and tells him he has a rather embarrassing problem ,
but is afraid of being laughed at............

The doctor replied,

'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a doctor. In over 20 years I have never laughed
at a patient.'

'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen.

It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor,
laughing uncontrollably.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

'I am SO sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over
me.

On my honor, as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.

Now, what seems to be the problem ?'......................................'It's
swollen,' Bob replied.

[Bob Garage]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash hisSweat-shirt

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,

'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma '

And they say blondes are dumb...

[Bob Garage]

6 degrees of blonde


FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'


SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'


THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!' The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'


FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.' A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Queensland ?' The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: Q.'


FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? 'Is it mine?'


SIXTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.'

[Bob Garage]

A Guy is sitting at the Bar, just staring at his Drink for half an hour
when this big trouble-making Biker steps next to him, grabs his drink,
gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the Guy with a menacing stare
as if to say, What'cha gonna do about it?'

The poor guy starts crying. 'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,
'the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd Cry.' 'I can't stand to see a man
crying. ''This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between
sobs. I can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important
meeting, so my Boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have
any Insurance. I left my Wallet in the Cab I took home. I found my Wife in
bed with the Gardener and my Dog bit me. So I came to this Bar trying to
work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and
drink the Damn Poison!

[Bob Garage]

A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a
half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father,
what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping
around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' then returned to his
paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that
the Pope does'

[Bob Garage]

Two blokes, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around the
supermarket when they collide.

The old bloke says to the young bloke, "Sorry about that. I'm looking
for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was
going."

The young bloke says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old bloke says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does
your wife look like?"

The young bloke says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde
hair,blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white
shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old bloke says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

[Fadingtoblack]

Oh yeah, this is the thread of threads!


To think fellow posters I was only a 5 month or so old noob at the time of this threads creation!


2000 coming right up, I need to catch up a bit

[slayerdiabolus]

I love this thread. You can pick a random page and have a chuckle