The Official Joke Thread

[Bert Jan]

Thanks so much to Bob Garage! He makes this topic legendary. So many great ones! I wonder where you all get em Bob

[Bob Garage]

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.

The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. Aha!' mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. Aha!' said the doctor again, reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, 'How does that feel now?'

The midget replied, 'Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?'

The doctor replied.......'I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.'

[Bob Garage]

A young Chinese couple gets married.
She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know
that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the
sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be
reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and
you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do
anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu
want?' he says,
trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes
will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently
(and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try
someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....
'You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?

[Bob Garage]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife,

Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred pound note on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, Shaking her head in
disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred pound note
tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at
home and blow a hundred quid anytime you
want."

[Bob Garage]

A man was brought before the judge and charged with necrophilia.

The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!"

The man replied, "I'll give you three good reasons;

#1, It's none of your damn business;

#2, She was my wife; and, lastly,
#3, I didn't know she was dead; she always acted that way!"

[Bob Garage]

Top 100 Facts for Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.


Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.


Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.


Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.


When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.


Chuck Noris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".


Chuck Norris can speak braille.


Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.


Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris


If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f*ck down.


Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.


If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.


The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.


Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.


Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.


Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.


The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.


Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the f*ck he wants.


Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pyjamas.


If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she'll introduce you to your biological father.


Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."


When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.


Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.


Chuck Norris once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber.


Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.


Chuck Norris can divide by zero.


Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his pen*s.


Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.


Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.


If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's f*cking beef.


We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.


Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.


At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris


Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.


Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.


A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.


Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.


Chuck Norris has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.

If at first you don't succeed, you are obviously not Chuck Norris.


Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.


If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.


Pee Wee Herman got arrested for m*sturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for m*sturbating in public.


They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Chuck Norris. He doesn't have to.


Water boils faster when Chuck Norris watches it.


Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.


When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.


Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.


The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.


A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.


The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".


Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the f*ck off.


Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.


Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.


Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the sh*t out of them.


Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris


Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.


When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.


Chuck Norris doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.


Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".


Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.


When Chuck Norris laughs too hard while drinking milk, he accidently sh*ts a cow.


One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.


Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.


Chuck Norris has never had an alcohol problem. However, alcohol has had a Chuck Norris problem.


Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"


In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.


Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.


Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take sh*t from anyone.


Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.


Chuck Norris doesn't have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.


Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the sh*t out of little kids.


Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.


Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.


The phrase "Made by Chuck Norris" is imprinted beneath the surface of China.


Microsoft has released a new Anti-virus removal tool called Chuck Norris. The tool dares the virus to enter the machine.


Chuck Norris always gets blackjack. Even when he's playing poker.


When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Chuck Norris.


When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.


Chuck Norris only uses one chopstick.


Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.


Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.


When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.


Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now refuses to come near him.


People say the truth hurts, but it hurts a hell of a lot more when it comes from Chuck Norris.


If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.


Chuck Norris can open beer cans with his teeth. He still prefers to use other people's teeth, though.


Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble... Every turn.

[Bob Garage]

some photo funnjies to start today...

Who Said Football Fans Can't Spell?

[Bob Garage]

Pole Dancing

[Bob Garage]

Cowboy: "That your dog?"

Indian: "Yep."

Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake
once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and
keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep, he lie!"

[Bob Garage]

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.
He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.
The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.
He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep-end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.
'Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm just here to feed the crocodile!