The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:


'I outlived the bitches.'

[Bob Garage]

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand pounds on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and Yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY:-

Not all Irish are stupid and not all Blondes are Dumb,

But all Men are Men

[Bob Garage]

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

[Bob Garage]

There was a tourist sitting in a New York bar having a drink, when another guy walks over to him and asks, "Have you heard of the New York updrafts?" The tourist responds, "No". The guy says, "Well, finish your beer and meet me on top of that building in a half-an-hour." Thirty minutes later they both meet on top of the building. The guy says to the tourist, "Watch this!", and he jumps off the building and floats back onto the ledge. The tourist says, "Do it again!!". So the guy jumps off and floats back onto the ledge. The tourist says, "If you do it one more time I'll do it." So the guy jumps off for a third time and floats back onto the ledge. The tourist then jumps off the building and hits the pavement. Two guys walk by the building, look up and say, "Damn Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

[Bob Garage]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma´am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said:
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma´am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tired of trying to start up a conversation, said:
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said:
"You know, I hope you don´t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma´am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said:
"Wow, you sure didn´t forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice:
"I hope not, it´s only 2130 now."

[Bob Garage]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, 'Nope,
sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie.
So... what'll it be?'

The woman did not hesitate. She said, 'I want peace in the Middle East .
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other
and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa.
It will bring about world peace and harmony.'

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, 'Lady, be reasonable.
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of
shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not
THAT good! I don't think it can be done.

Make another wish and please be reasonable.'

The woman thought for a minute and said, ' Well, I've never been able to
find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic,
likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets
along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is
faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man.'

The genie let out a sigh, rolled his eyes and said,

'Let me see the fucking map again.'

[Bob Garage]

Three guys entered a disabled swimming contest.The first had no arms, the second no legs and the third was only a head. The whistle blew and they were all in the pool.
The guy with no arms took the lead instantly, but the one with no legs was catching up quickly. The head, of course, sank right to the bottom.

Several lengths later, the guy with no legs finished first.
As he looked around, he could still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decided he had better dive down to rescue the head.
He dove down, picked up the head and swam back up to the surface.

When he placed the head at the side of the pool, the head began coughing and sputtering.
When the head finally caught his breath, he shouted, "I've spent over three years learning how to swim with my fe*king ears, then two minutes before the whistle some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"

[Bob Garage]

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.'

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught.


When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease.


Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.


In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk,have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease...and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!

[Bob Garage]

A five-year-old boy and his grandfather are
sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa
pulled a beer out of the cooler.

The little boy asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a
beer

Grandpa replied 'Can your pecker touch
your ass?'

The little boy answered, 'No Grandpa, It's
just a little pecker!'

Grandpa said, 'Then you're not man enough to
have a beer.'

A little later Grandpa lit up a cigar.

The little boy asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a
cigar?'

Once again, Grandpa asked, 'Can your pecker
touch you're ass?'

The little boy answered 'no,' again.

Grandpa said, 'Then your not man enough to
have a cigar.'

A little later, the boy came out of the
house with some cookies and milk.

Grandpa asked, 'Can I have a cookie?'

The boy asked, 'Can your pecker touch your ass? '

Grandpa replied, 'Hell yeah, my pecker can
touch my ass!'

The boy replied, 'Then go f*ck yourself!
Grandma made these for me

[Bob Garage]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?"
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I'll give you $100 for your trouble.'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!
There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to SeaWorld.'