The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, 'Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of those 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?'

Martha replied, 'Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during those years...but always for a good reason.'

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, and said, 'I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?''

Martha said, 'The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?'

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, 'I can forgive you for that. You saved our home. But what about the second time?'

Martha asked, 'And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.'

'I recall that,' said Henry. 'And you did it to save my life. So of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.'

'Alright,' Martha said. 'So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?'

[Bob Garage]

A drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!" So, the bartender gives him directions to the local brothel. The customer was so drunk, he misreads the directions and accidentally goes into the office of a foot doctor. The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?" "Yes, I want some service," states the drunk. She sends him to one of the examination rooms and tells him to put it on the table. The drunk goes in and places his manhood on the exam table. When the doctor comes in, the startled podiatrist sees the man's member on the table and she says, "That's not a foot!" The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, give it time."

[Bob Garage]

One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when
a car pulled up beside him, and the window was wound down.

"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car"
said the male driver.

"No way, get stuffed" replied the boy.
How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver.

"I said no way" replied the irritated youngster.

"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh?" quizzed
the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
"No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the
boy.

"OK, I know what you want. I'll give you £100 and a bag of
lollies" the driver offered.

"NO" screamed the boy.
"What will it take to get you into the car?" asked the
driver with a long sigh.

The boy replied "Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you
live with it."

[Bob Garage]

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least a 100 grand!

Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said .
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.

Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

BONUS STORY

A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin.
The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!'

[Bob Garage]

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER FOR MY EDUCATION


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

[Bob Garage]

Confucius Says


Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

[Bob Garage]

Men and women are different in the morning.

The men wake up aroused in the morning. They can't help it. They just wake up and want you.

And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?'

It's because they can't see you. They have no blood anywhere near their optic nerve.

[Bob Garage]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery.
As she laid her pet duck Cuddles on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, Cuddles has passed away.”

The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure – the duck is dead,” he replied.
“How can you be so sure,” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something?”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the duck. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely 100% certifiably, a dead duck”

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill.
“150”, she cried, “150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!”

The vet shrugged………“I’m sorry, but if you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been only 20, but what with the Lab Report and the CAT scan…...…..”

[Bob Garage]

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.
During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They took him to
their headquarters, and the French general began to question him.
Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, “Why do you English
officers all wear red coats? Don’t you know the red material makes you
easier targets for us to shoot at?”
In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason
English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won’t
show, and the men they are leading won’t panic.
And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown
trousers.

[Bob Garage]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and noLegs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been fucked?'
The fellow said, 'No.'
She replied, 'Well you will be when the tide comes in!'