The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached
her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state,
her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they
made love, for more than 30 years,
with him thinking that it was a
cute way for her to afford new clothes
and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go. It was
unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been
earning,and therefore,they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
showed more than thirty years of steady deposits
and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she
showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank
which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of
the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades
she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had
multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with e vidence of cash and investments
worth over $3 million,her husband was so astounded he could barely speak,
but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
to keep their mouths shut!

[Bob Garage]

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk....
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded
waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem
further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could
embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear', he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.

[Bob Garage]

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got int o the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him. He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?

[Bert Jan]

An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"

[Bert Jan]

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"

So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

[Bert Jan]

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.

Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.

[Bert Jan]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[slayerdiabolus]

Whoahhhhhh, whats with the Irish racism Bert.............................................................................

[Bert Jan]

Whoahhhhhh, whats with the Irish racism Bert.............................................................................

I was afraid you were gonna say that Really nothing against the Irish...You guys are great people... I just found those jokes to be really funny so I wanted to share them. But if you like, I can make them into a more general kind of joke. Just replace it with Scotland, that will work too

[Bob Garage]

Whoahhhhhh, whats with the Irish racism Bert.............................................................................

all the best jokes are about the irish