The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

According to a recent news report, a certain private school in Manchester was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the caretaker would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the headmaster decided something had to be done. He called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the caretaker. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the caretaker, who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirror, he asked the caretaker to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

[Bob Garage]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.


(3) Nothing:This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.


(4) Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)


(6) That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.


(7) Thanks:A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').


(8) Whatever:Is a woman's way of sayinga bad word to you!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

[Bob Garage]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jew at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jew replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need Water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

"OK," said the old Jew, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back.

"Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie."

[Bob Garage]

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I
wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little John ny raised his hand.. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little John ny before. She finally decided there was no way hecould damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. John ny said, 'My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

[Bob Garage]

A woman in her late forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called “The Knob,” where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted “The Knob.”
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful - the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
“All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.”
She said, “Well, I guess that explains the goatee.”

[Bob Garage]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health,
they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes.
That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a huge stack of warm
pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'All those for me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father'.

[Bob Garage]

Do you like Wayne Rooney's new haircut?
Apparently it happened as the result of a misunderstanding when Playboy offered Colleen a 100 grand to shave her c*nt!

[Bob Garage]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said.

"Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."


She replied. "You have a bigger dick than all your mates."

[Bob Garage]

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I''ve come to activate your phone lines."

[Bob Garage]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."