The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

Jack wakes up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas Party.

He doesn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it?
Thursday. His wife must have gone to work. As he struggles into
consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach
Plummets as he wonders just what the hell he did last night.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a
couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,
next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the
garden. He sits up. The bedroom is clean and tidy, - there is no trail
of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air is coming in through the
window and all is serene. He stumbles to the bathroom, also pristine,
and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, sees that he has a black eye.

This is not a good sign, but no memories are returning.

As he concentrates hard on getting the world into focus, he sees a
post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It is written in red,
with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife. 'I'll ring your
office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven.
Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's
snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today; hope your eye
doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
Jillian. x '

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son is sitting at
the table, eating. Jack, bracing himself, asks his son what happened
the previous night.

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind.
You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked up big time in the
hallway and up the stairs, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. '

Confused,he asks his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order,
aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for
me?'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you
slapper, I'm happily married!!'

Broken Coffee Table £250
Hot Breakfast £3.50
Two Aspirins 20 pence
Saying the right thing, at the right time.....PRICELESS

[Bob Garage]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... he's naked as well! The bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate - for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the man impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

[Bob Garage]

I met this kinky girl the other night and she told me to 'humiliate her'.
So i bought her an Arsenal shirt.

[Kimbo]

Fc Copenhagen - Joke of the decade

[Bob Garage]

A man owned a small farm in Australia. The Tax Office claimed he
was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out
to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded
the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me
for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.'

'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week
plus free room and board.'

'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does
about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week,
pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every
Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

[Bob Garage]

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.

She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave £10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7am." Signed, "The Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the £10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note: "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

[Bob Garage]

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...


Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...


Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.


FASTER...


FASTER...


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP....


He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.


clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


on his heels, as the terrified man runs.


Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.


With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.


Bumping and clapping toward him.


The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...


and,


(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)


The coffin stops

[Bob Garage]

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the
car saleroom.. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the
pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw
a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.' I
can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly gent as he
floored it to 110 mph, then 120, then 130 mph.

Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for
this nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited
for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's
side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in
10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If
you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard
before, I'll let you go.'

The man looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, 'Years
ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing
her back.!'

'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman.

[Bob Garage]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand.


There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag...'

'Darn!' says the little old lady.....'I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there's a game; a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingy through the bushes, I
say '$20 or off it comes!' '

'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well', says the little old lady, 'Not all of them pay . . .'

[Bob Garage]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and
he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .


Wait for it. .


It's coming.


The suspense is killing you, isn't it?


She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'