The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"

[Bob Garage]

A Muslim has died and arrives in Heaven
He is very excited as, all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
'Are you Mohammed?' he asks
'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up'
And he points him to a ladder that rises into the clouds Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbed the ladder in great strides.
He meets another bearded man.
Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'No, I am Jesus. Mohammed is higher up still'
Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again, he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
'Are you Mohammed?'
'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still'
Exhausted but with heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he meets a man with a beard.
'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps, as he is by now totally out of breath from all his climbing.
'No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?'
'Yes please, my Lord'
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:


'Mohammed, two coffees please'

[Bob Garage]

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."
"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"
"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.
"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow.
"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"
"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say, 'NO!"

[Bob Garage]

I ran into Andy at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the 'flu. I asked him how he was feeling.
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience."
"Wonderful? How can the 'flu be wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief.
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the postman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!"

[Bob Garage]

Lorraine is out for the evening, and on entering a bar says to the barman, "A glass of your finest Less, please."
"Less? Never heard of it."
"C'mon, sure you have."
"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"
"I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink less."

[Bob Garage]

Amanda went to Jane's place to tell her about a horrible experience she had the previous night with this guy she took home.
"Well, what happened when you got there?" asked Jane.
"After we had some real freaky sex, the son-of-a-bitch called me a slut!"
Somewhat shocked, Jane asked, "What did you do then?"
"I told him to get the hell out of my bedroom, and to take his five biker friends with him!"

[Bob Garage]

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts "Did anybody else here see my face?".
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
"Did anybody else see my face?" He shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is a silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.
"I think my wife caught a glimpse..."

[Bob Garage]

Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.
"Hoots mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."

"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord himself walked."

"Well, at $50/hour for a boat," said the Scotsman,..... "it's no wonder he walked."

[Bob Garage]

There were 2 rats living in a sewer.
One rat turns to the other and says, "I'm sick of this!"
"Sick of what?" responds the other rat.
"Sick of shit for breakfast, shit for lunch, shit for dinner, shit for tea- shit all day long. I'm just sick of it", says the first rat.
"Don't worry", replied the second, "I know what will cheer you up - tonight we'll go on the piss....."

[damageinc]

Let's go fishing!