The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."

[Bob Garage]

Five Irishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the German border.
The gorgeous blonde customs agent stops and tells them,
'It's illegal to put five people in a Quattro.'

'What do you mean it's illegal?' asks the driver.
'Quattro means four' replied the blonde.

'Quattro is just the name of the car,' the Irishman retorted in disbelief. 'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons.'
'You can't pull that one on me,' replies the customs agent: 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and are therefore breaking the law'.

The driver replies angrily: 'Brainless idiot! Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'
'Sorry, 'she said sweetly: 'he can't come right now. ....He's busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.'

[Bob Garage]

Two blondes walk into a department store, They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace" "Yeah what's it called?" "Viens a moi" "VIENS A MOI”, what does that mean?

At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi ladies, is French for 'come to me'"

Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"

[Bob Garage]

I've started going out with one of my mate's ex girlfriend's and he doesn't like it.

He said the other day, "How's the second hand fanny mate?"

"Great thanks", I replied, "After the first four inches, It's brand new".

[Bob Garage]

a joke for the brits....

Dear Jonathan Ross,
I've just shagged your daughter. Who's laughing now?
Lots of love,
Gary Glitter x

[Bob Garage]

Our local vicar couldn’t find his twelve year old daughter, so he went around to his friends off licence next door. That’s strange he thought the shops locked up and its only two o’clock. So round the back he went and looked through the kitchen window. The sight he was met with knocked him for six. It was his daughter stripped naked on the kitchen table with him in between her legs, giving her oral sex. He quietly backed away and fetched the police to catch him in the act. All though quiet disgusted they said they couldn’t do a thing. .

. . .. . . . . Wait for it, . .

. . . . ..

.. . . . Because he had a licker licence

[Bob Garage]

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to

confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she

suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of

a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo

much

However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that

he had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said

'I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you

could deal

with that once we are married.'


She said,

'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size

winky.'


' Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the


honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and teasing,

holding one another.


As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran


out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.


She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'


'Yes, it is.... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long!'

[Bob Garage]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the f****** dishes!!!

[Bob Garage]

A lorry driver
breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board
bound for Chester
Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver
fears he will get
the sack if they don't get there on time.

He decides to try and thumb a
lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish
lorry driver pulls over. 'Where
they going?' asks the Irish chap.

'Do us a favour mate and take these to
Chester Zoo for me' says the
driver, 'and here's a hundred quid for your
troubles.'

'Happy days,' says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his
truck and
gets on his way.

The lorry driver goes about trying to fix
his truck and is there for a
good few hours when he notices the Irish fella
coming back down the
motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking,
he flags him down
again. 'What are you playing at,' he fumes, 'I told you to
take them to
Chester Zoo!'

'I did and we had a great time,' says the
bemused Irish fella, 'but
there's still fifty quid left so we're going to
Alton Towers

[Bob Garage]

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair,

watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that,

when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the

world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off"