The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day.

The daughter said to her mother,
'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied,
'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied,
'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said,
'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied
'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,
'My penis is frozen solid.'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,
and she asks,
'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned the mother said,
'Why yes..... why do you ask?'

The daughter replies,
'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'

[Bob Garage]

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.


For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their
foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with
tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently
revealed the true story.


When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the
union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see
whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a
taxi cab or a motel in Canada . If nothing is there, he must take a job
in India answering telephones giving us technical advice.

[Bob Garage]

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.' Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'

[Bob Garage]

During the past year as in other years, I have tried to seduce you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times. This is an average of once every 10 days. the following is a list of your excuses why I did not succeed more often;

" it's to hot" 22 times
"I'm to tired" 152 times
"it's to early" 25 times
"it's to late" 13 times
"pretending to be asleep" 19 times
"wrong time of month" 12 times
"you had to go to toilet" 32 times

During the 36 times I did succeed,the activity was not entirely satisfactory because 6 times you told me to hurry up and get on with it, 23 times you just lay there and 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you it was over. once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move and once you mentioned the crack in the celling.

Darling is it any wonder I have taken to drink.......?

Your loving husband.


To my dear Husband,

In answer to your letter just received, it seems to me you have got things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you don't get more nibbles than you do;

"you came home blitzed" 122 times
"you didn't come home at all" 29 times
"you didn't come........." 14 times
"went soft before you got it in" 18 times
"working late" 49 times
"in a fight and got kicked in the nadgers" 2 times
"brewers droop" 95 times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I lay still was because you farted and I was trying to breath. By the way I never mentioned the crack on the celling. in fact what I actually said was "Do you want me on my back or kneeling!"

However, 6 months ago, I phoned alcoholics anonymous for help and their nice representative has been seeing me most afternoons.

your very happy wife

[Bob Garage]

Paddy went to the doctors and said "doctor I have this terrible pain up my arse."

"Drop your trousers Paddy", said the Doc. as he peered into Paddy's nether regions.

"Good grief Paddy", said the Doc "There's a lettuce up there".

"Is it serious" asked Paddy.

"I don't know Paddy, its only the tip of the iceberg".

[Bob Garage]

Three women in Mexico

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation,
get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be
executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did
the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked
if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity
Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on
the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to
the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I
just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power
of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all
immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well,
I'm from the University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in
Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna
electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.

[Bob Garage]

A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story & listened to her prayers, which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma & good-bye Grandpa.'

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye grandpa?' The little girl said,'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.'

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed & listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy & good-bye Grandma.'

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side .

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy & good-bye Daddy.'

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night & got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch & watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch & jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, hebreathed a sigh of relief &went home. When he got homehis wife said 'I've never seen youwork so late, what's the matter?' He said 'I don't want to talk about it,I've just spent the worst day of my life.'

She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!'

[Bob Garage]

An Indian family was considering putting their Mooshum (grandfather) in a nursing home.

All the First Nation facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Mooshum. "How do you like it here?" asks the Grandson.
"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful." says Mooshum.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since being Indian you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, No. Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents." Mooshum says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here, he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'."

"There is a judge in here, he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'."

"There's a dentist here, 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'."


"And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The F*****g Indian'."

[Bob Garage]

One day at a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.


The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river, and he asked the lady, 'Up or down?'

She replied, 'Up.'
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'


She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid, and I thought the choices were hump or drown."

[Bob Garage]

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better