The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

An Irishman is humping a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'

She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'

[Bob Garage]

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'

[Bob Garage]

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says 'Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London!'

[Bob Garage]

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past and stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick bas****s like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there and kick the s**t out of you if I could swim!'

[Bob Garage]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.
When I shower, I think about women.
When I watch TV, I think about women.
I even think about women when I eat.
It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a Lesbian ."

[slayerdiabolus]

[Bob Garage]

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in an effort to catch more drink drivers.

After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the car park empty, he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any
alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"There’s nothing wrong with your equipment officer" he said, "I'm the designated decoy."

[Bob Garage]

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, 'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!' THEN THE WIFE ASKS, 'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, 'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!' SHE SAYS 'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'

'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'

HE SAID, 'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'

SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

[Bob Garage]

An 80 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relation-ship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" exclaims Ethel. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

[Bob Garage]

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine,
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A while later a Priest
came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy
replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called
turpentine.' The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the
world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it
on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.' The little
boy replied, 'You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a
cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson.