The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

I heard some of my son's friends call my wife a MILF
I found out this means mothers I'd like to fuck.
So when I heard my teenage daughter's friends say
your dad's FILF, I got a right stiffy.
Turns out they found my porn collection.

[Bob Garage]

My wife used to think that FHM and Maxim were pornography.
But then she found my real stash.

[Bob Garage]

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That’s a good piece of fir." "Correct,” Says the manager, “now try this one." "That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He got his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused, says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, your trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

[Bob Garage]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only three
Survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.
They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of
years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible
about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed
herself.
It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a
while, nature once more took its inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel
absolutely horrible about what they were doing.


So they buried Deirdre.

[Bob Garage]

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.


The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.


Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.


As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'


'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'

[Bob Garage]

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said,
"She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

"How's the new wife?", asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Good - she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

Don't ever underestimate old Geezers.

[Bob Garage]

As I booked into a hotel, I said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she says, "It's regular porn, you sick bastard."

[Bob Garage]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, 'A Hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

'That will be 9.40 please,' she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries, and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.

For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.

'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,' says the man.

'Yep! Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be 32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'But, sir, what's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses, and replies, 'my second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

[Bob Garage]

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One
summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day.
She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one
thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance
around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander
off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick
exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the
cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just
continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed
that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic
devices?' He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, 'Tomorr ow I want you to get a towel and our big radio
and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really
doing.'

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost
hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to
her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met
his wife at the road.

'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly.

'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
'Well, what is it then? What does she do?' his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'

'Batteries?' cried the wife?

'Yes!' he replied.

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'She Sells C Cells down by the Seashore!

[Bob Garage]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one...Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash...Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity...He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this...Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law...She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'