The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

My cockney mate asked me if I'd seen any Eartha Kitt jokes recently.
I said; "Course I have my old china. A lot of them are pony and trap, but most of the jokes are Victoria Wood. If you want a real good tin bath, have a look at the ones on septic tanks. All the Eartha jokes get buried, which is a bit moby dick seeing as she's just brown bread."
He called me a silly James Blunt.

[Bob Garage]

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a
garden hose tightly coiled In the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter says with admiration.
'Thank you,' the little girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices
the Girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and tothe cat's Testicles.
'Little Partner,' the firefighter says,
'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, butif you were to tie that rope around The cat's collar
too, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replies thoughtfully,'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[Bob Garage]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f*****g blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[Bob Garage]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.


He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'


'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'


The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

'Johnnie Walker Black Label and women with big tits.'

[Bob Garage]

Sixretired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses £500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continueplaying standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tellPaddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband justlost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

[Bob Garage]

Into a Belfastpub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.'Jamie O'Conner and me had afight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must
have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have
something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was; but useless in a fight.'

[Bob Garage]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya
been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms
across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf.'

[Bob Garage]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'
'It was terrible, Brenda.. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and
drowned.'
'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go
quickly?'
'Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'

[Bob Garage]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, andshe's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have
any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'
' She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' '

[Bob Garage]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sitsdown, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk
continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this sideeither.'