The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.


He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'


She replied, 'probably deer hunting with his buddies.'


It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom......

[Bob Garage]

Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said "Thank you for your interest, but we' ve decided to give the local man the job."

Boudreaux said "Why you gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?"

The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed."

Boudreaux asked "An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?"

The manager replied, "Simple, the local man put down on question #5, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'

[Bob Garage]

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the West Midlands Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infra-red goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para 's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the Coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

[Bob Garage]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,'
said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken
farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying
eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'

[Bob Garage]

Dearest Father Christmas, have you had a pleasant year?
You must be getting busy now that time is nearly here
I thought I'd write a letter (which I never norm'ly do)
In the hope that you can help me out and make my dreams come true
I don't want to sound ungrateful for your efforts all these years
But your choice of pressies sometimes left me fighting off the tears.
So this year, Father Christmas, when you pick the gift for me,
Can you please leave something vaguely useful underneath my tree?
So for example Santa Claus, I'll take the chance to warn
That I'd never wear an aftershave named Thrust or Ram or Horn
And when I see, beneath the tree, a shiny ribboned box
I don't expect the contents to be pink and yellow socks.
Or a car wash kit with chamois, wax and stuff to make it glisten,
And what the hell's with talcum powder? Don't you ever listen?
A pair of pants. That's super, thanks I'll nip upstairs and try 'em
(If I'd needed sodding underpants, don't you think I'd buy 'em?)
And another thing now Santa, could you maybe tell me why
You think I'd make a good impression in a Homer Simpson tie?
Or be pleased with cufflinks, handkerchiefs: why ever did you reckon
I was after twenty razor blades as used by David Beckham?
I know you know that JD is my favourite of tipples
Yet my stocking seems to hold a box of mini chocolate nipples.
And from Waterstones, a little something someone thought was funny:
"The little book of female wisdom." Waste of fecking money...

So this year Father Christmas, I'll attempt to make it clear.
I'll accept a crate of Kronenburg (or other premium beer)
A pack of fags would go down well and would avoid my scorn
But Santa, if you're still not sure, just give me loads of porn!

[Bob Garage]

I can't take Scientology seriously.
It's the belief that humans were brought to earth by aliens on a spaceship carried by two massive lizards, which landed in a volcano and dispersed humans throughout the world.
Then the aliens take off, and the lizards go and hide under the sea in massive caves.

Add two Italian plumbers to that.......... and you've got the 1st five levels of Super Mario.

[Bob Garage]

A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.

'Care to go upstairs and have a shag?' the husband asks.

`Sshhh ' said the bride. `All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper-thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, "Have you left the washing machine door open" instead?'

So the following night, the husband asks, `I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open did you?'

'No, I definitely shut it,' replied the wife who rolled over and went to sleep.

When she woke up, however, she was feeling a little randy herself and she nudged her husband and said, `I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?'

'No thanks,' said the husband, 'it was only a small load and I've done it by hand

[Bob Garage]

This 16 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."

"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!" says the mother.

A few hours later the father comes home and the mother says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."

Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why Mom is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.

"All right! That's my boy!" says Dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about sixteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting."

So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks Dad.

His son replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."

[Bob Garage]

Who is your real friend?

Put your dog and your wife into the boot of the car and leave for one hour.

When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you?

[Bob Garage]

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean.
It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, how about playing Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."....

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and both sang....
"Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
and an appy New Year."